Pasta Man's Cow Sauce

So Pasta Man has a Facebook fan page now, rightly so. I wish him all the best. He's put up a recipe for what he calls his "Cow Sauce", so here it is... Click on the picture for his fan page - there is the original track download on the wall, plus a remix, and an acapella for anyone who wants to give remixing the hit track of pasta bowls house-wide a go! And now recipes. Awesome.



Alrighty then, pasta sauce
This is a cow-sauce, and works best when you burn it just a wee bit, and cook it for about 3 days.

First get a big pot and clean it, you never know what has preceded your sauce. iI like to use Palmolive, as it is tough on grease, yet gentle on your hands.
Assuming you will be making a large sauce to last yourself a week, put in lashings of olive oil (don't use your real good stuff here, because frying with olive oil evaporates alcohols and esters which make up the flavour anyway). About this much: llllaaasssshhhhhh. Okay, that should be enough. Now get some dried bay leaves, stick a few of them in the oil while it heats up, along with fresh rosemary, thyme, oregano... heaps of herbs so it looks too much. We're gonna make a big sauce. Get a wheel of parmesan cheese and chomp a bit off, and eat it. Now turn on your oven to pasta sauce cooking temperature, and put on a sweet CD at moderate volume. Get a coupla onions, chop the shit out of em and throw em in. If you're lucky you'll get a SSSSSSSS but probably not unless you've burnt your herbs. Get a head of garlic, and chop the bastard cloves up how you like (I like doing em quite big, and some whole cloves for surprises). Make sure that garlic gets it real good, and throw it in at super speed, enough to get arrested from your kitchen if there was a law about the speed of throwing garlic in the home. Twice. Oh also, chuck in a chicken stock cube (OXO is best) or use your own homemade chicken stock if you can. Chicken stock looks like chicken have been dried out, then grated into a bag. What a genius idea.
Right, where are we... oh yes - almost forgot! Reach into your bag of high grade pinenuts and pick up a fistful, chuck em in. We're a bit late there actually, shoulda been earlier to get maximum roast-age without having to use another pot and wash it afterward. Or you could do that. It's probably better. Yeah do that. Stick em in a wee pan with no oil and no friends or family and put the element on real hot. Like, really nice boobies type of hot.
Ok. What's going on. We want some meat. I like to use cows. Get the most expensive cow mince you can find, if you get the cheapest, you're not allowed to make this sauce. You'll be eating cow eyelids mixed with cow lips, and ears that've only listening to the screams of fellow cows. So there, eat the inside of your cow which never knew about that stuff. It was born happy mince, and always will be happy mince. Until you cook it. Then it will be cooked happy mince.
Use about 15 bucks worth I guess. Whatever, just chuck it in. Mash it up heaps and mash the herbs and stuff in with it. Cook it around a bit, and pour in some red wine, like this: pouur. About that much. Stir it up and keep doing so until cooked all the way through. In your breaks, chop up a whole bunch of mushrooms. Whatever's on special, they're all nice and give a different vibe to the sauce. Personally I reckon the little ones are good for cow sauce and the big ones are good for the vege sauce. When the meat's done put the mushies on top and let them steam while you pour wine over them and deploy another cube of grated chicken, so graciously sold to us by the lovely team at OXO. If its really juicy don't worry, and don't pour any out, its got all the flavour. Stir in those mushies and go grab your Leggo's tomato concentrate yoghurt pot things (they are concentrate as a kung fu expert, be wary). Probably about 2 of them. Banish them both to the confines of your saucy pot, cleansed with palmolive. Mix it round. the sauce will look stupid most likely. Get some whole canned tomatoes or actual tomatoes chopped a bit, and stick em in - about 2 cans. Totally depends on how red you want it but it's going to cook for a while yet and get smaller and darker. Sort of like a starving child on a sun bed. Stick in some more wine, and throw a punch of salt in. Also a teaspoon of brown sugar. Go and dance a bit to your CD, or sway at least. Relax and forget you ever made a sauce. Then - oh SHIT - go and stir it and stir iiiiit -- fuck you burnt it, you dick. Well that's okay - because this sauce seems to get better when you burn it (to an extent). That's extremely handy for forgetful people. Just stir it up and add some wine, get it drunk.
Now when it's looking like a real sauce and it's reduced quite a bit, add in your tastiest most delicious olive oil, one that you like to drink by itself because it's so nice. Then go like this : pooour. Stir it in and the smell of it will excite you. I'm excited just thinking about it. Right, now taste it. It will taste a bit grey in the early stages, as it takes a long time for the flavours to get into the meat and richen. You may also just need more salt and sugar (not too much! I have overdone it before, and it sucks). Not too much sugar though, this is sauce is for kings, not for dessert. If you can be patient, eat this sauce tomorrow night or the night after, cooking on low when you can to richen it.

Serve on delicious pasta cooked al dente (I cook it without salt or oil, because this sauce does all the flavouring needed!) with so much grated parmesan cheese that you can't see much of your meal, and if you're feeling energetic, some chopped basil leaves over the top.