Super Duper Street

Bloody this, bloody that.

2009-12-16T15:06:00.001+13:00

Bloody thames island ramp
A ramp in the Thames river onto a bloody island.

Bloody harrowing fish yeast
A yeast that fish make that's pretty bloody harrowing.

Bloody garden seperated belongings
A bloody set of belongings that are seperated by bloody gardens.

Bloody bereft jubilee mammals
Mammals that attend a bereft bloody jubilee.

Bloody hiring eftpos repeat
What?

Bloody porridge heist shoes
If you're gonna steal a whole lotta porridge, you'll need these special porridge heist shoes.

Bloody forest hack entity
Anything that used to hack forests.

Bloody graphite weather mambo
A style of music that is written in pencil and is influenced by the bloody weather.

Bloody earnest holiday wrap
A type of wrap that wraps up holidays in earnest. It's the stuff that wraps up those 'package deals'. Gotta have something holding those packages together..

I'm so hungry, I could eat a meal.

2009-12-10T22:51:00.005+13:00

Hungry again. Very much so. Some would say 'I'm so hungry, I could eat a horse!'... Not I, as for one, I couldn't even catch the horse - let alone cook it all up, eat it, make the bones into horse stock, and have that in a risotto the following week - because eating a horse surely would be the whole thing? Unless you meant you were so hungry you could eat horse meat. That would take on an entirely different meaning. No more would it be about eating a vast amount of food in the form of an animal that we in New Zealand don't traditionally eat, but it would be about being hungry enough to push our morals. That I understand. Except - I would eat a horse burger with horse sauce on it that has a picture of a happy horse with a chefs hat on and a knife and fork in hand - even if I was only mildly hungry - while someone who loves horses and is vegetarian would probably have something to say about it's very existence, let alone eating it.. So, how about, 'I'm so hungry I could eat a bowl of caterpillars'? Or 'I'm so hungry I could eat a kitten'.. That's more realistic as we could physically fit those inside us. As for just large amounts of food in one place (such as the horse) what about 'I'm so hungry I could eat all the occupants of a prison'?

So anyway, I think 'I'm so hungry I could eat a horse' is a stupid saying. I think what's more realistic is 'I'm so hungry I could eat a meal'. Maybe '..eat a large meal'. But I mean really - if you're hungry, what the fuck else are you gonna eat? Definitely not a horse, that's for sure. Almost.

Here's some alternatives you can try out (they differ in severity for different stages of hunger):

I'm so hungry I could:
• eat a foraging kiwi
• eat a helpful banker
• go to the supermarket
• break into someone's house and steal some food
• eat a sandwich that smells slightly off
• use my credit card to buy McDonalds
• eat ten spiders with snake sauce on them
• starve to death
• spend $10 on a vintage banana
• get snappy at other people
• eat a cyclists spandex outfit with jam on it

Add your own if you feel that way inclined. Or don't.

Taps. Who are they?

2009-11-02T12:03:00.003+13:00

Taps. You get different taps, in different shapes, that do pretty much the same thing. They either give you water or they do nothing at all. Well - not quite true - they also give beer and gas but lets just focus on the more common breed - the water tap. Sometimes the water is hot and sometimes it's cold, and sometimes it's just one tap that mixes hot and cold together. They're good. But STILL you can buy a hot tap and a cold tap for bathrooms, and they have the largest range! When do you ever want scalding hot water in the bathroom? Washing hands in cold weather comprises of using the hot tap until it becomes too hot, and in that time you can't usually wash your hands properly. Sometimes I turn on the cold tap too and switch between them to get a balance, but this shouldn't be the case! Damn it, those mixer taps should be where you wash your hands, as seperate hot & cold taps only mix when you plug the sink and fill it up. How impractical.

The other thing about taps, is that you can only choose one product. It's either 'off' or 'I'm ejecting water from my spout' or 'I'm ejecting water faster than ever!'. Why can't it be 'here's some milk', 'have a beer' or 'here's some soap to help wash your dishes'. Even better - what about another turn gives you suggestions such as 'you washed the dishes last time, go and relax' or 'what are you doing?! You'll miss our bus!' ...and it's then you ask your tap whether it's real interest is in giving. It should not be 'our' bus, since taps don't catch the bus. Never take your tap on the bus with you. For starters, it won't give all those things as it is just a middle man between the pipes (the real givers) and you. Another thing - if a tap is asking to come on the bus with you, you should probably tell someone and ask if they're having similar experiences. If they're not - then you should talk to it secretly as it has obviously taken a liking to you in particular, and you wouldn't want others feeling left out. Taps are sort of like gods - they will give to anyone, a lot of people connect with them and talk to them (like 'F&#K!' when they get burnt, or 'I'm so thirsty! *filllll*'), but they really only talk to a few. So if you are one of those special people, do not be alarmed. Let the tap give advice, and then you could proclaim all it has to say to the world, and the spiritual sons of the taps will serve loyally. Maybe.

What do the words 'sick', 'mean', and 'filthy' mean to you?

2009-10-12T11:33:00.003+13:00

Well. These terms in their literal meanings are quite different, but in context can be used to describe a very similar type of good. I shall demonstrate using a meal, a grandma, a t-shirt and a drummer.

First off, you wouldn't call a meal filthy - especially if was a really good meal! If it was filthy you may want to rinse it, or just not eat it. I've never had much luck rinsing meals and don't recommend it. Although I suppose fish get rinsed meals everytime.. Lush. You wouldn't call a meal sick either, it kinda brings images to mind that more resemble the food AFTER digestion, rather than before. Not an appetising way to describe a meal - Sick Lamb Pie.. is that a pie made from a sick lamb, or more of a lamb-sick pie, which would be digested grass? Either way, bloody terrible idea. A meal, however, could be described as mean. Not in the sense that it's unfriendly, but it's awesome/mean/wicked/amazing.

Second up, a grandma. Now a grandma can be many things, it's true, and these words also apply - although I'm not sure you would want your particular, good old family grandma to be these things. A sick grandma is not a good thing. It's a bit sad actually, because she could die and we wouldn't want that. Everyone will die eventually and if we got what we wanted - no one would die and the Earth would die as a result, purged of all it's resources. Then we'd all die anyway. Anyway - you would not describe a bangin grandma as sick. You also wouldn't say this particular bangin grandma is mean, because a mean grandma is never a good thing, no matter how many times you ask yourself. If your grandma was filthy, she would probably be gracing the classified section of a Mayfair magazine, advertising her hot wet bucket. That would be a tragedy. Although, it could be pretty badass, having a porno grandma. She'd wear leather and ride a motorbike, and make mean cookies. Anyway. Enough of that.

A t-shirt. A shirt of the T variety. A T-rated shirt. Shirt tea? If this garment were to be described as filthy, it would need a wash. Pretty standard use of the term there. The t-shirt could be sick or mean, both have slightly different connotations though. Try some out on the street sometime and if you get a strange look, try the other word. With trial and error you will find the perfect balance. Remember that in this context, 'mean' and 'sick' mean 'most excellent indeed'.

Last but not least, a drummer can don all these terms with a certain grace. If the hitter of drums is mean, you'd wanna jam. Simple as that. If they are sick, you either want to jam or get a replacement asap. If they are filthy you most definitely want to jam with them, and they probably need a wash anyway - so that covers all bases. Filthy drummers.

So there you go. Now when walking down a street full of people you can now relish in the fact that you are hip to three more terms in today's ever changing world of slang. There is one more word I'd like to share, and that is 'bangin'. This can be used for anything good, such as 'man, that new skatepark is bangin' or 'this is a bangin tune', or 'your cat bangs man, look at it jump!', or to compliment someone 'that is a bangin dress you're wearing/your dress bangs hard' when in fact the dress doesn't bang anything. It's just good. Try and use it in a sentence today. It will bring joy to you and your listeners.

Ed Zuccollo Trio Q & A

2009-08-27T13:00:00.002+12:00

How long has the Ed Zuccollo Trio been about?
The Trio started in September 2001 (I remember because it was around the time we went with my high school - Onslow College - to play in the Monterey Jazz Festival in California, a very memorable event!) and Nick and I have been playing jazz together since 1999.

Where do you see trio going?
I see us definitely going to the Matterhorn on Thursday, and over the next wee while we will be furthering our repertoire of arrangements and hopefully getting another recording out sooner rather than later! Other commitments have been taking precedence and probably will for a while, and that can be quite refreshing too - it's fun to play together and fresh when we don't do it all the time!

Who are the other band members and what do they play?
Rowan Clark plays double bass. We call it a violin or a cello to rile him up a bit - although that tactic has worn off I think. On one particular trip away I slept in his bass case which looked all velvety, but in fact it sticks to your clothes and I woke up all tangled up. Not recommended.

Nick George hits the drums. He played a new years eve gig one year on a freshly broken foot. Like, that same day I think. He also has cool sunglasses that probably cost $2 from an op shop, but they are amazing to look through. Like a vintage analog filter.

Do you have any recordings up your sleeve for release?
We actually have a recording packaged and printed from a concert in 2005, but since then we've been so caught up in other projects (Rowan and Nick with Mercury Crowe, and me with Harbour City Electric) that we haven't got around to documenting ourselves of late!

You look like a mad scientist of the keys, how would you describe your style?
Haha! Mad scientist, I like it! Well, I am a big believer in whatever you feel on stage transmits directly to the audience, so whatever I'm playing I like to have fun and give it lots of energy. I play a variety of styles, I got right into afro-cuban for a while with Kevin Clark as a teacher, and I'm into funk and oldschool hiphop with all those filthy funk breaks, so riff based stuff also - but I think everything I play is tinged with a blues edge, can't get away from it! (Not that I want to!)

And who are favourite key players, past & present?
Oscar Peterson first and foremost, especially on his album ‘Night Train' - so good and bluesy! Michel Camilo for his raw energy and fun arrangements, Erroll Garner for his amazing feel, and he's so lush!!! Bill Evans for his chordal harmony, Chick Corea for his harmonic craziness! I'll leave it at that!

Pasta Man's Cow Sauce

2009-08-18T23:09:00.002+12:00

So Pasta Man has a Facebook fan page now, rightly so. I wish him all the best. He's put up a recipe for what he calls his "Cow Sauce", so here it is... Click on the picture for his fan page - there is the original track download on the wall, plus a remix, and an acapella for anyone who wants to give remixing the hit track of pasta bowls house-wide a go! And now recipes. Awesome.

Alrighty then, pasta sauce
This is a cow-sauce, and works best when you burn it just a wee bit, and cook it for about 3 days.

First get a big pot and clean it, you never know what has preceded your sauce. iI like to use Palmolive, as it is tough on grease, yet gentle on your hands.
Assuming you will be making a large sauce to last yourself a week, put in lashings of olive oil (don't use your real good stuff here, because frying with olive oil evaporates alcohols and esters which make up the flavour anyway). About this much: llllaaasssshhhhhh. Okay, that should be enough. Now get some dried bay leaves, stick a few of them in the oil while it heats up, along with fresh rosemary, thyme, oregano... heaps of herbs so it looks too much. We're gonna make a big sauce. Get a wheel of parmesan cheese and chomp a bit off, and eat it. Now turn on your oven to pasta sauce cooking temperature, and put on a sweet CD at moderate volume. Get a coupla onions, chop the shit out of em and throw em in. If you're lucky you'll get a SSSSSSSS but probably not unless you've burnt your herbs. Get a head of garlic, and chop the bastard cloves up how you like (I like doing em quite big, and some whole cloves for surprises). Make sure that garlic gets it real good, and throw it in at super speed, enough to get arrested from your kitchen if there was a law about the speed of throwing garlic in the home. Twice. Oh also, chuck in a chicken stock cube (OXO is best) or use your own homemade chicken stock if you can. Chicken stock looks like chicken have been dried out, then grated into a bag. What a genius idea.
Right, where are we... oh yes - almost forgot! Reach into your bag of high grade pinenuts and pick up a fistful, chuck em in. We're a bit late there actually, shoulda been earlier to get maximum roast-age without having to use another pot and wash it afterward. Or you could do that. It's probably better. Yeah do that. Stick em in a wee pan with no oil and no friends or family and put the element on real hot. Like, really nice boobies type of hot.
Ok. What's going on. We want some meat. I like to use cows. Get the most expensive cow mince you can find, if you get the cheapest, you're not allowed to make this sauce. You'll be eating cow eyelids mixed with cow lips, and ears that've only listening to the screams of fellow cows. So there, eat the inside of your cow which never knew about that stuff. It was born happy mince, and always will be happy mince. Until you cook it. Then it will be cooked happy mince.
Use about 15 bucks worth I guess. Whatever, just chuck it in. Mash it up heaps and mash the herbs and stuff in with it. Cook it around a bit, and pour in some red wine, like this: pouur. About that much. Stir it up and keep doing so until cooked all the way through. In your breaks, chop up a whole bunch of mushrooms. Whatever's on special, they're all nice and give a different vibe to the sauce. Personally I reckon the little ones are good for cow sauce and the big ones are good for the vege sauce. When the meat's done put the mushies on top and let them steam while you pour wine over them and deploy another cube of grated chicken, so graciously sold to us by the lovely team at OXO. If its really juicy don't worry, and don't pour any out, its got all the flavour. Stir in those mushies and go grab your Leggo's tomato concentrate yoghurt pot things (they are concentrate as a kung fu expert, be wary). Probably about 2 of them. Banish them both to the confines of your saucy pot, cleansed with palmolive. Mix it round. the sauce will look stupid most likely. Get some whole canned tomatoes or actual tomatoes chopped a bit, and stick em in - about 2 cans. Totally depends on how red you want it but it's going to cook for a while yet and get smaller and darker. Sort of like a starving child on a sun bed. Stick in some more wine, and throw a punch of salt in. Also a teaspoon of brown sugar. Go and dance a bit to your CD, or sway at least. Relax and forget you ever made a sauce. Then - oh SHIT - go and stir it and stir iiiiit -- fuck you burnt it, you dick. Well that's okay - because this sauce seems to get better when you burn it (to an extent). That's extremely handy for forgetful people. Just stir it up and add some wine, get it drunk.
Now when it's looking like a real sauce and it's reduced quite a bit, add in your tastiest most delicious olive oil, one that you like to drink by itself because it's so nice. Then go like this : pooour. Stir it in and the smell of it will excite you. I'm excited just thinking about it. Right, now taste it. It will taste a bit grey in the early stages, as it takes a long time for the flavours to get into the meat and richen. You may also just need more salt and sugar (not too much! I have overdone it before, and it sucks). Not too much sugar though, this is sauce is for kings, not for dessert. If you can be patient, eat this sauce tomorrow night or the night after, cooking on low when you can to richen it.

Serve on delicious pasta cooked al dente (I cook it without salt or oil, because this sauce does all the flavouring needed!) with so much grated parmesan cheese that you can't see much of your meal, and if you're feeling energetic, some chopped basil leaves over the top.

I did an interview for Harbour City Electric on Muzic.net.nz

2009-07-04T00:34:00.005+12:00

What is the best gig you have ever performed at, and why?

That's kinda like asking what is the best movie you've ever seen - how do you narrow it down? I'll try..

I'd have to mention Parihaka Peace Festival, because of the awesome vibe of it!! We've done two so far, and the last one was so windy that the main stage shut down (it was being held together by giant cranes) and all the main stage bands - which included us - were pushed to the smaller 'Visionary' stage. It turned out really well as everybody checking out the music was concentrated on the one stage instead of spreading out, and we played as the sun set. Mean fun! Another goodie was the final Saturday night of the ASB Gardens Magic series at the Botanical Gardens' soundshell - we were lucky with the beautiful weather Wellington provided, and around 5000 people came out for it to picnic and chill out. That was fun as.

What is your favourite NZ venue?

I have been trying to run through in my mind different bars and clubs to try and figure this out, and came to the conclusion that this is really affected by the people that attend, so once I again I must mention a few. We just played a gig supporting Little Bushman at the Regent on Broadway for the closing of the Manawatu Jazz Festival. It's a beautiful theatre, and it was a lot of fun to play to an attentive seated audience. I should've mentioned this for the question before really but whatever! We really enjoy a grimey club gig for the raw energy from a good crowd - and 12 Below in Dunedin really provided that for us, they looked after us well also. Bodega also, they're a great venue for bands with a good PA. We'd like to thank all the venues that have had us and looked after us, we appreciate it!

What NZ musicians or bands would you like to see more of, and why?

This is the last one I'm answering because I'm finding it hard! There are a lot of NZ bands I've not seen and need to check out still! Bands and people I want to see more of include Lisa Tomlins, LA Mitchell, Tom Watson, Rio Hemopo, Mara TK, Jonathon Crayford trio with Julien Dyne and Chip Matthews, Olmecha Supreme, Iva Lamkum, Opensouls, the list goes on. These people all have great stage energy/presence, write great tunes, are astounding musicians, and have vibe! There's loads of great music in NZ and there is a lot I missed out, and a lot I don't know about and am yet to discover.

What is your most embarrassing on tour/gig moment?

Seeing a flock of emotional bats brandishing various kitchen implements fly at me mid solo, I dodge them frantically and hurry to open a portal to banish them into the past - but instead of them going in - I switch places with my 7 year old self who can't play the piano. I blink, then realise that I'm the last one at the gig and everyone has left, it must have been a hallucination, and my only option is to beg a busker for money for a bus home. Terrible. That probably isn't true.

Oh wait - I remember a real one. Haha! We all went for a swim at a beach when we played up at the Leigh Sawmill Cafe (another good venue!) on our EP release tour. I went in my cotton boxer shorts as I forgot my togs. There was one of those rafts out in the sea that you can jump off, and I like doing those gorilla type bombs, so I set off toward it. There were a bunch of young girls jumping off it (around 8-11 years old I'd say) and I thought it might be a bit weird in my undies but I was keen to have a bomb and they seemed fine so I jumped off a few times. Shaun and Paddy had swum out to a rock way past me, and saw something a little odd upon looking back - haha! I'd say it was at that moment that one of the girls looked me in the eye and said straight-faced 'you've got a rip in your pants'. I thanked her profusely for telling me as it would've been a terrible look, checked, and the rip was right up my ass from elastic band to the seam where the two legs are joined at the bottom. The HUGEST rip I've ever encountered. Now my dilemma was getting back to shore without alarming parents of my exposure to their innocent offspring. Hmmm. Swimming back the boys were all on the beach having a laugh, and I hung in the water unsure of what to do as they were right next to a bunch of families! Dammit. I bit the bullet and walked out clutching my ass, the families overheard the boys' laughs and our conversation and looked over, amused. I figured they were alright so I showed them my ass to shut them up. One of them said that some of them had weak stomachs, to which I said 'what are you trying to say? I've got a nice ass!'... We didn't talk much after that but I felt I had disarmed them enough not to worry about me being a 23 year old pedophile on the raft with my ass hanging out amongst a bunch of 8 year old girls.

How did you come up with the name Harbour City Electric?

I didn't. Ariel White who started the band did. He originally wanted to do covers of old funk and disco tunes that were sampled in hip hop, so people recognised the beats, but were different. We tossed up a bunch of ideas and Harbour City Electric was the one that stuck in the end. No clever story or deep reasons behind the name sorry!

How do you describe your music?

My favourite mix of funk, hip hop, dance music in various forms, jazz, and soul. It's nice to be able to make music customised to your own tastes, and we have similar ones so it works out nicely!

What can we expect to see from Harbour City Electric over the next year?

Expect some sneaky remixes to be out before the end of the year, we have lots of very talented people on the case and are looking forward to the results! Also planning for the album has begun, and we hope to have that out early next year. Quite excited about that, it's going to be filth! The good kind of filth.

What advice would you like to give to other aspiring musicians?

Do it because you love it, and if you love it, push it! Try to meet lots of musicians and play a lot. Listen a lot, go to gigs, and expand your musical horizons genre-wise - keep an open mind. Be constructive in your criticism, and take it well. Don't get a big head, because it will limit the people who want to play with you, and stop you from getting better. Most of all, have fun!

LOUD MUSIC LATE AT NIGHT

2009-06-24T16:21:00.002+12:00

A few months ago I was approached by my landlord, holding a piece of paper. He handed it to me and thought it was quite amusing. I read it - it was a letter written pretending to be us (I think) in a sarcastic tone. I found it in a pile of books today, and wanted to immortalise it. Before I go on - here it is (copied directly):

_______________

LOUD MUSIC LATE AT NIGHT

Hello neighbours,

I am glad to hear everybody is enjoying my music while you are trying to sleep at night.

We don't care and it's your problem!!

Anyway, at least we are having fun and enjoying ourselves.

We are in fact anti-social and have no regard for anybody, especially YOU. We love playing our music every day of the week and going to keep doing so. It's so much fun and it's us that is having the fun, not you, sorry. It's probably because of our up-bringing as our parents showed us how to annoy our neighbours. I can't apologise for them, they are idiots. It's also because of our socio-economic status that we are anti-social and are unaware that it is not acceptable to keep you awake. Sorry, can't help that.

As for you, you must be sheep as we are only getting a couple of complaints. I'm surprised that you are not collectively telling me to keep it down after 10pm. But of course, that is when I start playing my music. I am also surprised that you have not phoned Noise Control. Why don't you, I'm even going to give you their number: 04-499 4444.

Yours truly,

Idiot Neighbour
_______________

We never got any complaints. Not even from this person, whoever they are! A knock on the door would suffice, but instead this was posted to letterboxes on the street excluding mine. I have no proof actually, all I know is that it got to my landlord down the road and not mine - the landlord mentioned it being in other letterboxes I think.
Anyway - we had a laugh about it, felt bad for keeping people up (we had got carried away on jams til late a few times spread out over a couple of months), and then thought about this person's tactics.. How strange. Was it supposed to have the whole street turn on us? I'm not going to say what I thought, but it would have been better if they'd come and seen us instead of writing a snarky letter.

Post your thoughts, readers! (James!)

More Than Meets the Eye

2009-06-07T12:28:00.003+12:00

Transformations occur daily - not always in comic books.... For instance, transforming yourself from a hungry person to a full person, or a book from a book on the ground to a book in the bin, or a bed from unmade to made, a car from a nice car to a piece of shit (this transformation usually takes a while), ten toddlers into 8 adults (takes a long time and some die on the way), a candle into a lump of wax, a house into a burgled house.. The list goes on. The one I've been thinking of lately is - dirty dishes into clean dishes (by hand). They transform before your eyes, and you can even make the sound (REHH-EEE-ORR-UUH-URR-EEE-ORR-REHH-ORR-EEE-UHH-EHH-ORR). In fact, I think making the sound helps quite a bit. It makes you wash more thoroughly, like a robot in disguise would. You should try it. Don't forget to keep an eye out for the ongoing battle between the ever-good Autobowls and the evil Decepticups, should they be placed together a terrible fight may break loose, which may see you in the Warehouse buying more to replace them! Or more likely - end up being a few dishes down and start using jars for drinking out of and pot lids for eating pasta from.
It was worth the spectacle, you'll say. But then what? Have you learned? No? Get back to work.

Parihaka montage... Check the soundtrack!

2009-02-08T00:11:00.001+13:00

Watch more Dailymotion videos on AOL Video

Thanks to the creator! Stoked.

Harbour City Electric - 'Red Pepper' live @ the Soundshell

2009-02-07T15:30:00.003+13:00

Mean! That was fun.
Red Pepper - the best pepper!

This is the single off our upcoming EP - due out in April.

Harbour City Electric plays 'Actions Speak Louder than Words' and I get to take a big synth solo.

2009-02-05T12:13:00.002+13:00

What a fun gig! Great crowd, really responsive! I have the whole gig recorded like this - thanks to Shaun's dad Chris. The man. Will be posting more clips as they upload, takes an age!

Ideals

2008-10-27T00:19:00.002+13:00

I found a piece of paper inside a random 2nd hand record sleeve once. It's been lying around the place recently and I wanted to share it, it's pretty cool.

As you think, you travel; as you love you attract. You are today where your thoughts brought you, you will be tomorrow where your thoughts take you. You cannot escape the result of your thoughts, but you can endure and learn, can accept and be glad. You will realise the vision (not the idle wish) of your heart, be it base or beautiful, or a mixture of both for you will always gravitate toward that which you secretly most love. Into your hands will be placed the exact results of you thoughts; you will receive that which you earn; no more and no less. Whatever your present environment may be, you will fall, remain or rise with your thoughts, your vision, your ideal. You will become as small as your controlling desire; as great as your dominant inspiration. -James Allen

The Toast Continuum

2008-09-15T01:10:00.001+12:00

I was just eating some toast with the old mouth. You know the feeling, I'm sure? Trusty peanut butter on toast. Can't go wrong (unless there are caterpillars in your peanut butter, not to mention it's not peanut butter, it's treebutt gutter - and the toast is made from flour ground from giraffe bones, then toasted between two burning cars...). Anyway, during this particular toast session (it happens occasionally) I looked down and there was only a morsel left! Now now I thought, this is totally unfair - I don't even remember eating the other piece! I felt that maybe I had slipped through a wormhole, or maybe the almighty Toasterer** had switched host bodies for a wee indulgence session.. Now I realise this is unfair, but that's just the reality of it - so let's not think of toast session as having an end, let's instead start "The Toast Continuum". This is where the toast keeps flowing and it's no longer a session, but a way of life. This is merely a concept on paper, a fish in the oven, some flour in the bakery, a banana seed in Ecuador, a crustacean in the sea, a dollar in the savings account. Imagine it - toast:life, we could probably do a lot more with toast than just eat it also. I can imagine the possibility of just looking at toast, sitting there, all alone. Well.... I'd be alone, because I drove everyone away with my unwavering vision for toast future (well.... definitely wasn't the napkins.... they're real antiques and we told them a lot of interesting facts about those), but the toast would have all it's toast friends around, hanging out. Ahhhhhh. What a beautiful place that would be....

**The Toasterer is kind of like a God - or a spirit, the spirit of Toast. He is married to the Toastess and they live in a wee two-slice toaster in a secluded spot out of town. Well the Toasterer needs his fill of toast, but no longer has a physical body, so he infiltrates other peoples bodies and takes over consciousness when they're eating toast, which results in the host body being a bit surprised that they only have a morsel left.

Lazy Yak, Get a Haircut!

2008-08-26T17:41:00.005+12:00

When I was little I asked where God was, because I definitely couldn't see this person I'd heard people talking about. I was told God was everywhere, and when I asked if he was also inside my ear, I was assured that indeed this was the case. Hmmm. Another curious thing, I was told the other day by Redshirt Bighair [name suppressed for personal safety reasons beyond hurting teeth on over-burnt toast] that God is actually a yak! A hairy yak. Put yak and ears together and voila, I have a god-yak in my ears. I hope he doesn't god-yak-piss in there. That's probably what ear wax is, dried up god-yak piss. Disgusting. We deduced that God yak (who Redshirt Bighair called Steve) had not had a haircut for a while, and so although the actual god-yak wasn't inside my ears - his silken god-locks were. That would explain why I can't hear very well. I'd snip those locks myself in an instant, but normal scissors won't do the trick, only god-rated scissors will do. I think we can safely assume that the god hairdressers are pretty booked up with those Egyptian gods, they seem to keep pretty tidy and seem very conscious of their appearance - keeping skin supple by bathing in ass milk and all. You know, the milk that comes out of asses. So we're not in for perfect hearing for a few millennia yet I'd imagine, unless someone makes some god-rated scissors. Lazy yaks these days...

P.S. This also applies to non god-yaks, just your everyday common yaks. I'm just singling out the yak that has his hair in my ears. Probably my sandwich too. Poor sandwich, all she wants is to be at one with her fillings! See what I did there, I made it female. Just like that, peow! Oh I'm feeling the power.

Old Grouchy eh.

2008-06-28T21:59:00.002+12:00

Sitting atop a foolish hill,
Thinking of Winston the window sill,
It occurred to me I hadn't been posting for weeks,
I'd lose any momentum and any subscribing freaks!

With this in mind I set forth for the sea,
For Faraday the Fish would surely help me!
But when I arrived Faraday I could not find!
No fish knew of him - he was all in my mind!

I was lost and distraught like a rejected green mouse,
I searched for his number in case he'd moved house...

Faraday the Fish was nothing but a name,
In a rhyme I wrote on my couch.
I got sucked in by the story and I felt rather lame,
So I rang a Peasant named Grouch.

Grouch had his ups, and he also had his downs.
Just thought I'd let you know. Old Grouchy. Yeahh!

Large Flying Creatures called Terry.

2008-06-03T22:19:00.003+12:00

Not sure what to write. I get that when I'm tired, then writing always brings out something. Like talking about how I can't think of anything to write, except then I'm writing something. It's like a murder of crows. Not at all actually, but I wanted to say that.

I found the largest ever flying animal the other day. Now I realize that statement could be a little misleading - I'm not claiming to have found it's bones, I just found it on the internet. It was lying amongst an article about Pterasaurs on Wikipedia. It's wingspan was a colossal 12 meters, that's fucking huge! It didn't even fit on my screen! Wow. They were like huge flying lizards with tails. Imagine that - a bird whose single wing is 4 times as long as you, or 10 times as long as a meter ruler which has had 40cm taken off it. That's a lot of broken rulers in a row. I couldn't imagine it trying to make a nest, the twigs wouldn't hold many creatures. I suppose it would lived inside a cave, without a TV, no internet, no stereo - just the sounds of nature (chirping birds, animals crying out in pain as their bones get crunched by predators, bloodthirsty roars, wind whistling through the bones of last nights dinner etc). What a purist this beast was. Keepin it real.

There's actually been two sightings of a pterosaur in recent times - one in 1944 by a soldier in Papua New Guinea, and one in 1971 by a psychologist (I think) in an island just off PNG. Not quite sure what's going on there! The natives even have a name for them: ropen. Bit of a lackluster name if you ask me. What's wrong with something a bit more trad, such as 'Daniel', or 'Steve'. Or, a more fitting name such as Terry - Terry the Terrible Pterosaur (as in he's not very good at being one). Bit more catchy don't you think? Let me know if you have a better name for prehistoric flying lizards that still live among us....

I actually think ropen sounds quite medieval, or like a character out of Lord of the Rings or something. But it's more fun saying it's shit. I had fun anyway. So there.

Should we be upside-down more often?

2008-03-28T19:39:00.003+13:00

I was thinking today - what if being upright wasn't particularly good for us? Does doing handstands often give a more even body balance? Maybe standing on your head does wonders for your insides, loosening up old dirt and grime and shaking it to the floor. I am no weirdo, and I'm not about to embark on a lifelong diet of wood chips, fish scales, essence of lizard, and making sure I only breath the finest filtered air available through a severed elephant trunk to further my existence by a few months (which would be a much more miserable one by then! Damn lizard essence) - but I am curious and like to ponder things in depth.

So I was thinking, what percentage of your life would you be upside down? (We'll cast aside sleeping as that is horizontal, and you probably do a fair bit of innard mixing in that position anyway.) Would it be half your life, to ensure a decent mix? if so how would choose your switch over times? Would it be one week walking on your head, one week on your legs? Or would it be the slightly hilarious but more efficient 5 second switcharoo? Personally I think a short time of a few seconds would be excellent - giving not only a good mix but also building fitness and reducing obesity. Also there would be added bonuses of a feeling of unification amongst people, that adds to the community feel; amusement wherever you look (at the different techniques and odd situations); increase you acrobatic skill and flexibility.

I think this is a truly excellent idea. You may be thinking 'Golly that sounds awfully difficult Faraday!' (That's if you have an imaginary friend inside your brain named Faraday) - but I mean really, everything is hard until you can do it right? I think you're just lazy and don't want to learn. Learning sucks you say? Well, prepare to fail in life. Take that.

Saved the Point - Dammit.

2008-03-19T18:07:00.002+13:00

Since you're all dying to know of my recent adventures, I'll tell you (how kind I am!). I walked with Nat around Lyall Bay and Houghton Bay and we came across huge belt-like seaweed, got chased by a huge swarm of angry flying insects that came out of a small bush, looked at Te Raekaihau Point, and came across a large collection of used condoms wrapped in tissues by the sea. Odd. I decided that I was all for the aquarium when realizing that the 'point' was just like every other point out there: rocks, sea, and seaweed. Bring on a cafe close to my place, and improved bus routes I say. There's been a bit of a deal about people against the aquarium proposed by the government and the signs have changed from "Save the Point" to "Saved the Point". I guess that means no aquarium :(

Some of the reasons why they don't want it built:

• Te Raekaihau Point is a place of outstanding natural beauty.

Yep, quite a generic lame defense though. Also it does seem like one of the less attractive points out there: used contraception and tissues scattered around (honestly there were about 20 or 30), there are clumsy gravel and dirt roads squiggling all over it, and it looks like a place boyracers like going to do burnouts. Go nature!

• It is spectacular in wild, stormy weather when wind, rain and waves rage against it and throw spume and spray to the sky. Equally stunning are the sunsets and magnificent views of the South Island on calm, clear evenings.

It gets weather, just like the next point. I'm pretty sure I can see the South Island from the next point too (actually it is visible from most of the lower part of the North Island as long you are on the coast or on a big hill). Also you can see sunsets from quite a few places.

• Te Raekaihau Point has significant geological, ecological, scenic and landscape values. It is also an important recreation area for local people and visitors to the city. Because of these values it should be protected from development and managed as a scenic reserve which everybody has access to.

What a load of bullcrap. It came up out of the sea in an earthquake in 1855, so it didn't used to be there and you were fine - now it's there no one is allowed to use it? Especially for a marine education centre? I reckon they're an anti-learning corporation working for the government, trying to dumb down marine knowledge in future generations so they can take over the sea bit by bit, to overthrow the world with SEA-POWER! Water guns, water bombs, wacky waves, freaky fish, sneaky salt water, mischievous moss, abominable algae, terrifying turtles, the list goes on (somewhere).

Oh yes, I also eat whale sandwiches every day. Yum yum. I won a lifetime supply from under the lid on the tin. This paragraph may or may not be true.

The Sun is Too Bright, and Rabbit Water is Delicious.

2008-03-18T20:56:00.002+13:00

What a beautiful day it was today. Although I do wish we could see stars and planets during the daytime as well. Of course we can see one star - the Sun - but it's quite unpleasant to look at because it's so fricken bright. I say the Sun is too bright, where are the crazy Russians when you need them? We want sunglasses for the Earth dammit! Or at least a dimmer. What does it think it's doing anyway, sentencing everyone who looks at it to blindness. Actually that's not true, when I was eleven I once looked straight at the Sun for about 10 minutes. It went from hurting my eyes to quite a hypnotic experience, turning into a small white disc while everything else faded away to blackness around it. Pretty cool. Afterwards I had a huge hole in the center of my vision for about an hour or so, but nothing I couldn't work around. It's probably bad on some level so that's why I thought I'd share my experience - so you wouldn't have to do it yourself. I am not blind but am a little shortsighted, which is probably not at all related to sun-staring. Nat jokes about me being blind, I say she's just mean to people with disabilities. It's only a matter of time before she pokes fun at people in wheelchairs, challenging them to jumping competitions.

P.S. When we were little my brother James and I drank out of a rabbit hutch water dispenser (while it was still positioned on the hutch door), I think we wanted to know if it worked alright. Routine testing and maintenance I suppose you could call it. The mechanism is very effective from memory, it was nice water too. Since I was young I didn't think about rabbits having feelings, they must have been a bit pissed off. Also our mum was angry at us and I didn't really know why - I suppose we could have got a rabbit illness.
James thanked me for the memory when I brought it up, although I'm not sure he was sincere.

P.P.S. If anyone is interested in why I called upon the Russians for global dimming options click the link on "crazy Russians" further up. They once wanted to make a huge mirror in space to light up the dark side of the Earth and have eternal daytime. Bizarre huh. That article is from 1993, because later articles only explain how they tested it and failed miserably.

Crazy Demographics vid!!

2008-03-13T19:52:00.002+13:00

Watch this till the end, it's pretty mind blowing. I got it off a teacher from a school I teach piano at so you can download here in .wmv format.
I searched youtube for it and a few versions came up - mostly the different music struck me. Some were ambient electronic bleeps and pads, there was one with a guitar and someone singing although I didn't like the sound of it, and some more electronic sounding music with beats. I chose the stand-out cross between Riverdance and Lord of the Rings. It struck me as strange they might use jig music for this kind of thing, but it sure makes the whole thing seem pretty epic. Probably a lot more so than if you just watched. I haven't tried jigging while watching it yet, or learning the fiddle to get more insight either. I also haven't tried strapping the laptop to my face while skateboarding down a large hill toward a herd of evil nuns with black eyes and a love for lacy white curtains - that would probably make it seem very intense and increase the impact of the video. It's all about the watching environment, hence the Riverdance/Lord of the Rings mash-up.

Enjoy!

Look where you're walking Chuck Storm!

2008-03-08T20:59:00.007+13:00

No matter how many times I tell him, he always walks into that sign/pole/robotic arm dangling from the sky offering pizza. Maybe if enough people watch it he will stop doing it. I like the way he says 'oh god', the voice has a bit of a shake to it. Haha! I like the little shake. Poor Chuck Storm. Sweet name huh!

I found this over at Geekologie, one of my favourite places to visit on the net. Every day ridiculous inventions and ideas never fail to amuse/amaze/astonish/astound/allure/asinter me (that last one was made up). Go there and be entertained.

I'm about to eat Japanese Curry. Yum scrum.

Paprika Power (a mighty fine story)

2008-03-08T02:19:00.003+13:00

Prologue

Sword Attorney - the police are coming to banish us from observing the habitat of garish shirts on people with coffee addictions! Ah well, I guess it could be worse - we could be fishing for goats surrounded in deep forest encrusted with interestingly shaped rocks.... yesterdays news but still gets me every time (although I think it might just be decoration).

To return to the matter at hand: I think our situation is quite stable here. You see, we've gained information from countless slightly-shrivelled (but still green) leafy leaf biscuits (made from leaves, may contain traces of leaves) (with Scurglydiggle's signature folks! ah, dearest Scurglydiggle), and.... oops.

Have courage with that scratched, beaten (but shiny because I washed it see, I washed it) can of Coca-Cola.

*********************************************************************

The main bit

The conversation that changes lives starts with frowning upon handicapped pigeons....

"Wowsermagactical Scour-Hand, I thought you'd had it!"
"Okay okay okay, I'll tell you the truth. I wanted to be a parakeet trainor when I was little, and it never turned out right okay? I'm angry now because I've been angry ever since - I was angry two hours ago, I was angry yesterday, I was angry last month, even last year, okay punk, so I ain't gonna tell you nothin cos I'm seething with angry feelings that don't go away even when I go cherry picking! But it was hardly curtains for me. I had a bright idea to scour my own hand for a living - I paid myself for all the hours put in, it was like my own private money-laundering enterprise. Didn't go anywhere but I was happy with that. That's where I got my name. Also, there's a semi circle car around your left shoulder... you should look at getting that removed."
"Just because you've got a little fork, it doesn't mean all forks are little"
"I think you swapped conversations... we're having conversation #4361a, you're on #3060r."
"Oh! Entradilaptiple apologies! Were we past the angry bit yet? That bit rattles my brain bones,"
"Affirmative, conversation comrade. Your turn."
"Can't be arsed, I'll see you in hell"
"Rather shocked to be honest, but I have other plans - I have to go jumping around wall fittings until 8pm. It's pretty boring but the money's okay."
"Okay bye then you tablelicking scamp"
"Righty-ho. Baaaaa!"
"You just spoke like a sheep in distress, mister"
"...oh oops, I meant 'bye' "
"I think you didn't. I think you have a strange secret....."
"You're right...."
"..tell me"
"...well.... yesterday... I went deep sea diving, and met a new species - the 'sea-sheep'. it means 'sheep of the water' or something like that... How do they come up with these names?!?!... Anyway, they had a weird effect on me, sometimes I find myself chewing on the grass clippings out of a lawn mower, feeling strange about mowing a lawn, I mean what a waste to throw it all away... and now... this...."
"Hrmmm... I had an uncle with that same experience... he went quite mad and spattered middle-aged people with ribena concentrate... Hang about, what's your name? You ARE my uncle... Hrmmm. Carry on. You'll be fine, I'm not middle-aged anyway."
"I wasn't spattering! I was merely spreading a good word - I like the word 'RIBENA'.... It rings well and I like saying it."
"It'll be fine, we'll just see a flaming figure on the hill's crest at 7:30 tonight."
"NO! It's not like that! I'm sure I have a driveway snapper somewhere around here.."
"That's excellent news - I would love to snap my driveway"
"Have you got your driveway snapping licence? I doubt it you egg-lover!"
"I have it around here somewhere.... Maybe it's crawling the slope!"
"The slope! Crikey Moses, I almost forget about that thing, it misses crimewatch every week, but what I hate most is little crumbs of burnt toast on the edge of my forearm! Damn it!"
"LIAR!!! You have a forearm toaster and you overcooked your own forearm didn't you."
"FACT: I did not overcook my own forearm, I merely singed some hairs! and FACT: single keys stand amongst disc-pots (frantically), whilst peace is thrown across the rotorua table!"
"Ahhh the rotorua table, mighty fine table for putting things on. Not so great for spinning vertically on ones singed forearm while telling estranged facts to spanish clerks about the whereabouts of special goats that are trained to play classical piano, but I'd put something on it anyday! Probably breakfast. Now, where's Rather Good?"
"Rather Good changed his name to ABC, I think he wants more publicity..."
"A damn fine move"
"My mouth words exactly fit into the little hole at the end of a ruler!"
"Congratulations, you are now a supreme dickhead"
"Life goal achieved i'd say"
"To celebrate - let's have chicken baskets, my shout!"
"Where are we going?"
"To the basket shop of course!!"
"Ohhhh Harold..... the miners pay isn't enough, he's going to quit."
"Pay him in coca-cola, and the world will be hollow once again."
"My world is much frostier, let's travel on the amstore cd and dvd production welcome mat, I heard it has paprika power"
"My my.... paprika power?"
"Paprika power."
"I'm not coming, paprika is far too little and I am sizeist, little things can fuck right off"
"Oh don't let your prejudices get in the way!! ......Okay, let's use the Noel Leeming welcome mat, that powers on person power!"
"A mighty fine idea! Let's go!"
"Right, now I'll sit here and you pull me to my frostly world"
"Great stuff, the easy way to tone a sky is to listen to the light... I remember that much... and... greet the...."
"...greet the cat food"
"That's right, cat food - made from real cats"
"You got it, let's go!"

*********************************************************************

Conclusion

Damn oven, stop your snaps-growl!

Picture Time! Box Worms.

2008-03-06T19:13:00.008+13:00

These worms have it sorted:
• Cardboard boxes = free
• Heat protecting varnish = free from the local heat protecting varnish fountain
• No pesky marshmallows = free
• Logs for the fire = free. Only the trees paid for it with their life. No one really cares about trees anyway. Otherwise you couldn't live in a wooden house without feeling extremely awful.
• Flames = $250 because they could afford a fancy lighter (since they saved on pesky food!)
• Conversation = free folks - it's free to talk to worms.
• Maths degree for Worm 1 = Worms don't go to university, they are naturally enthused by learning. You wouldn't know that though, as their social skills when it comes to humans is somewhat less than desirable.
• Quality fire-proof-box-by-the-fire time with fellow quality worm = priceless.

Pesky Food

2008-03-06T18:46:00.005+13:00

Feeling hungry. What a scam huh? I fed my body only a few hours ago and it's wanting more. I mean I know it gives me energy and warmth back but to constantly demand being fed is rather unfair I think. I don't constantly demand warmth and energy - in fact I never asked for these things. I'd rather buy a furry blanket for $50 that would keep me warm for years than spend $50 every few days on food. I mean I like eating, but it could be just an addiction. Maybe someone could ween themselves off food completely, eventually not having to depend on it whatsoever. Is food the most addictive drug out there - and the most cleverly thought out? Everyone 'needs' it to survive supposedly, it costs loads, and it grows out of the ground for free! Why not sit outside and absorb the sun's energy? Obviously this is a stupid idea, please do not try it. I refuse to be held responsible for you shrivelling up like a depressed raisin and dying.

JAH, PASTAFARI!

2008-03-05T20:46:00.005+13:00

Pasta Man free download.

This is quite a silly song. I made a beat and was in stupid mood so I picked up the mic and freestyled probably the most awful verse you will ever hear. I am by no means an MC. I am a man who loves his pasta and should stay away from microphones! However it was fun, and since making it available for download on my MySpace I have heard it on Radio Active three times which was hilarious and cool at the same time. So here's a high quality 320kb/s MP3 for you all.

I AM THE PASTA MAN!! (you must say it in a rasta voice).

Enjoy!

Nothing To Say, Except.....

2008-03-04T21:57:00.004+13:00

I'm tired.
Language is a funny thing.
Written form... Spoken form... Thought form... I wonder if cows think in moos? Or elephants in enormous-totally-over-the-top sneeze type sounds. What a ridiculous language they have. I mean really - how unnecessary and inconsiderate can you get? There's probably some poor quiet flies chillin around doing the Random Zig Zag Zen Float Manoeuvre, and this old elephant has just GOT to say hi to his buddy 4 kilometers away with his silly nose (which looks like a dead persons arm that has had the bones removed and some kind of futuristic ergonomic vacuum cleaner nozzle instead of a hand on the end, and of course an elephant instead of a person on the other end). Honestly I don't hate elephants, they seem quite nice on the television and it'd be cool to go and ride on one somewhere sometime, I was just enjoying having a rant.

I've been teaching a lot of piano to a lot of small children you see - that's what got me thinking of the language thing. Teaching music is like teaching another language, because you have the written form which is sheet music and the spoken form which is whatever instrument making noise. I was contemplating this today. Nothing came of it other than now I tell the kids I'm teaching them a different language, except it's way easier than English cos the alphabet only goes up to G! They like that. Some kid last week kept on going on about zombies, and after deciding they weren't real, he confessed that mummys WERE real. Apparently it's just like in the movies. What a noob.

Keeping it short like a Japanese person tonight cos I gotta get up early. I'm not racist btw, my girlfriend is half-Japanese. She is also quite little. Have a look at her website The Blend, and her blog, it's got some cool stuff on it. Good pictures too - which I haven't gotten around to yet. That's a little advanced for me - once I sit down and start typing I don't really stop until I think that I've rambled far too much and hit 'publish post' before it's too late. I wonder if you typed forever and ever, just thoughts flowing onto paper - I wonder if a machine could analyze it and model bits of your brain on it, then you could give it a word limit and get it to do virtual-you rambles? What would that do anyway - I suppose not much. Except it could be good if you got really old and died but wanted to have a good old ramble to your great-great-great-great-grandchildren. They could sit there in front of a replica of your head with projectors in your bot-eyes, and it could project words onto the wall as a silent option just in case other people are sleeping, or it could do regular talking with adjustable volume and creepy robotic prosthetic facial expressions. It could be amazing. Or strange. I suppose it could be both also.

Ok, the cat has jumped in front of my face. Silly cat. What has it got to live for anyway? All it does it eat and sleep. Why all this walking around? Why jumping? So it can get to a different position and sit there. Now there's a cat with purpose. At least do some cleaning, or get the post every so often.

I started a blog, here's something.

2008-03-03T08:12:00.000+13:00

Ello.

Here you might find stories, new music from me, and general ramblings. Maybe some pictures and links.

I have thought about starting a blog for a while now - I like sitting and typing (more than writing with my hands, actually). When I write I use my left hand - although I learnt I can handwrite backwards with my right hand to be read in the mirror, try it! But when I type all of a sudden I'm not left-handed anymore.... I'm light handed, which is left and right combined. So as well as light handed sounding cool like a jedi, I spread the work between both hands so neither feels overworked or unfairly treated. That's how I roll.

So I think I'll write some stories here. They will probably be a little strange because I am terrible at writing proper stories. I always miss bits out and have to say them later and am quite the opposite of concise. Hopefully as I write more I will improve. One way of writing I find interesting is trying to think of completely different subjects every so often, sometimes every word.

So you might be thinking, for instance:
'Nice wooden table'. So you write 'Nice'.
Then maybe 'boiling kettle': 'Nice boiling'.
Then maybe 'hungry cow'. We must finish it of sometime so we'll skip the adjective and jump to the verb: 'Nice boiling cow'.
...and an edit: 'Nice boiling hat-cow'.

Now that kind of thing gives me that laughy feeling, it's something which I wouldn't have thought of straight out so it's like someone else said it which would be hilarious. It doesn't all have to be like that, but I like doing it sometimes. Maybe Boiling Hat-Cow's are prestigious breed, and someone is sincerely complimenting their friend on how nice it is. Very nice Hat-Cow of the Boiling variety sir, it really understands things like Steve the sink does.

Shit, that's it - I'm naming our sink Steve. I have to tell Nat when she gets home so she doesn't offend him! Steve is a bit of a cripple you see, he's got some major cracks and he leaks a bit. I suppose humans leak a bit too, so he's not alone. Putting water in a human is as fruitless as a piece of rubbish - it'll never stay.

I'm also going to post some tunes here when I write some.