Sunday, March 29, 2020

An Extended Exclamation

Golly seafaring snakes of the only Moses costume department this side of Hataitai! It's just so much of this and that that perhaps we'll have enough to make a bunch of this 'n that. I reckon so. So I reckon. So reckon I. That last one doesn't work. It must stay at home, and it's place is only in incoherent, mixy uppy sentences. Not as common but definitely needed on the front line of erroneous literary scenarios. How could we try things out without creating some incoherency at some point? I'm not sure that would be very try-y outy. Fuck that's pretty hard to say. Actually - 'rural', the way I say it anyway, that's hard to say. Gets caught in my mouth. Like a fish in a net (sorry fish), a fly in a web (seems more ok), a brain in a loop, a meteor in an gravity well, whoa that's fancy - I have a memory of learning a thing about Jupiter that it has one gravity well behind it in it's orbit and one ahead of it, with these clusters of meteors that both follow and lead it. I reckon the person who made up 'rural' (back from space now, well kinda not, just another planet and what's up on that one) might've said it differently to me as it would not come naturally if it was hard to say, surely. Unless you want to only come up with tongue twister words. Oh man - I highly suggest asking people who speak languages you don't to tell you some tongue twisters. You really get to hear a to tongue twister for what it is I feel! Very similar sounds arranged in a confusing pattern, instead of a bunch of words that bring pictures to my mind. Do you get pictures in your head when you hear words? Earlier, I was writing a story to a friend and I so strongly saw the story that I actually kinda stopped seeing the words and the screen. Now I'm noticing it happens often but not necessarily that strong each time.
Lots of love, tomorrow just became today (it was 12:01am at the time of writing).

Wednesday, June 7, 2017

Goose Drink

Goose Drink. You know. That stuff you get from the dairy - it's goose flavoured but it's too sweet. You'll swear to yourself how it tasted better when you were a kid and that the recipe has changed. You'll not once blame your own mouth and brain for altering your taste perception very slowly over time. That's okay though - it's not the first stop. The first stop (or 'mip' - an unused short word) often seems like the thing: it tastes different, so it must be different. Wait. What if the sensors are different, too?! Shit. Okay, that's an easy one. Think of another mip situation if you like. I'm moving on now.

Words. There are some really long words out there. There are also some very short words, like 'aa' which means 'basaltic lava forming very rough, jagged masses with a light frothy texture'. There are actually 96 two-letter words in English, all very useful for thrashing unsuspecting scrabble opponents, soon to be highly annoyed at your so-called 'words' allowed by your Scrabble Dictionary - and all of a sudden feeling as though the rules of Scrabble should be different so that your hard work memorising such words for the sole purpose of winning Scrabble wouldn't give you an advantage - suggesting rules such as 'you must know the meaning of the word to use it'. Load of orange pith, if you ask me. But hey - I understand. I just don't agree. Perhaps the word 'game' suggests that it's going to be fun. Check out the faces of people at the Olympic Games. Are they having fun? Mostly not. They look either terrified, determined, worn out, and often they cry - but it's still called 'games'. Even 'THE games'. The games by which all other games are measured by. Games where you can do a bloody fantastic job and get scored a 7/10. Anyway I'm off topic. Am I? Not sure.

Today I 'helped' two scientists (I called them that, they said that yes, science was involved in water testing). Actually I didn't really help at all. They were perfectly capable, but I was asked to be there in case the lid was difficult to get off the water tank. Anyway, that's not the amusing part. When I left I parted with a casual 'Mean as a chip on a spoiled holiday' - to which I got a blank stare which I interpreted as 'please explain' so I went on: 'If a chip was on a holiday that got spoiled, perhaps it would be upset and start being mean to people'. They asked if I was saying that they were mean like the chip. No no I explained - the meaner you can make the thing, the better the situation, as mean also is slang for good and it's a double-meaning bit of wordplay - and I went on: 'normally I would say "mean as a chip who was repressed as a potato" or something like that, with the primary objective being amusing myself at all costs, something I'm quite resourceful about.' Which is when I got a blank stare and a 'that's pretty out there', so I bode my final farewell and jumped over a hedge down a bank to make my way home. Later that day I found myself conversing about 'the middle of nowhere' as opposed to 'the edge of somewhere' and perhaps 'the middle of somewhere' and if nowhere was a place, perhaps it was also somewhere. Perhaps when someone states 'this is going nowhere' you could say 'yesss that must mean we're already somewhere. Boom.' And it was then that I imagined the scientists in the room and laughed. I know everyone's different, not only that but at different times throughout the day/week/month/year/life, but there seems to be a bit of a divide where if an individual explores ideas and wordplay it can be often blocked with a 'you're weird'. It does make it quick to find comrades in this thing called life though, I must say. Actually the more secure you can be in putting your honest personality out, the more your life, friends and opportunities will reflect and fit you perfectly. It's a beautiful thing. That is what I think right now without rigorous testing of the idea. Zing thing.

I'm so tired. Goose Juice.

Tuesday, November 19, 2013

Ed's Hiccup Remedies

There are all sorts of remedies flying about like drinking a cup of water upside-down and so forth, but I feel some of the more effective ones have been left out. Here is a short list I compiled in an idle moment:

1) Fire a flaming arrow made from the rib of a cat through a eucalyptus leaf while gargling a mix of wine and orange juice that has passed through a cobra three times in an East-West direction to counter the spin of the Earth.

2) Step lightly on the toes of five world leaders within a two minute timeframe.

3) Find ten flies and capture them in a crystal vase, then transport them safely to the nearest market and attempt to sell them for $24.99 each. When someone hands over money, allow one to escape saying 'there you go!' as it flies away.

4) Find a bush and run at it with a mask on. You're welcome to topple over the front of it when you get there. If this doesn't do it, it's because you forgot to replace the floor in the kitchen with a fire-pit.

5) Visit the crater of an active volcano and watch as the lava falls around you. I reckon that should do it. If not...

6) Try to make a creme brulee whilst betting a million dollars you don't have on a sport you know nothing about. Have the TV in front of you. Man that would suck. Even if your hiccups don't go away, the intense experience would fully overshadow them and you'd probably cease to notice them.

7) Find a goat and try to benchpress it 20 times without it biting you whilst spiders are dropped onto your tummy and an old woman dressed as Darth Vader attempts to teach you Cantonese.

Good luck!

Friday, November 15, 2013

Why do they make toothpaste so damn refreshing?!

I was just about the second tiredest I've been in my life when I had this idea of cleaning my teeth with mint flavoured foaming paste. MINT! Goddamn that stuff perks you right up! It's not like the toothpaste companies don't know people brush their teeth at night, I'm pretty sure. Surely even if they were all morning only brushers only they might at least see it in done in films.
What? Oh. So you know - listening to music and gently falling asleep... could do this but I must micturate first. So you get up to micturate (yes folks, micturate. Cool word eh! I just learnt it) and feel that fur around your teeth. Not your moustache, mind - more of the bits and the things. So you clean it off with a brush in your post-micturitious state - or whatever it's called. That's all very well, but when all is said and brushed there is this minty fresh in your mouth, and it resembles a cool breeze and a wave full of bright lights and excitement mixed together into a seething mass of AWAKENESS. Where did this come from? Why do they want me to feel refreshed at 3am when I just want to sleep? Why is the paste always minty? Where is our night time sleepy toothpaste with no lights or waves or excitement hitting ones face? What does toothpaste taste like without any minty or otherwise flavouring in it? Why does a goat eat thistles but a bird choose to take to the sky using a clever wing system? Is the goat missing the point or the bird? Can goats fly but choose not to? Can thistles eat birds?
I realise these are big questions totally out of our reach in todays world, but my hope is one day we could all provide answers for these riddles of life. Go scientists! You have much work to do in finding these answers and relaying them to billions of people. May I suggest letters, phone calls and messenger pigeons to spread the word. Or words, rather.
'Which word in particular? There's a few.'
'Aren't there are dictionaries for that?'
'Okay, I see now. All three of your instructions differ wildly. I hope you realise this next time and are more specific with your mouth words. That way, I can spend less time clarifying - which takes up precious energy - therefore I would need less food to and I save money. That's right. The vaguer your instructions, the more expensive it is for me to operate.'

Saturday, November 2, 2013

What to do with a worried monkey

Now, I know what you're thinking. You're thinking about delicious grapes, peeled by a worried monkey. Well, that's okay, I suppose. You can think about what you like. But let me gently suggest some techniques to calm the worried monkey - he IS peeling you grapes after all. So first off I would make sure that there are no weapons pointed directly at the monkey and there are no other immediate dangers, such as.... oh I don't know.... a drill! Spinning very close to it. Once you've carefully assessed the dangers (remembering that a perceived danger to the monkey may not necessarily be obvious to you or I) then I would move onto massage. I mean, I saw a lady massage a possum which is pretty weird - and mind you it did seem a little worried. You could also just try telling the monkey everything is going to be okay. That's what they say in movies all the time, especially when it's obviously not going to be okay, oddly enough.

Excuse me, I'm boring myself here. Far out. Actually talking about nothing. What has become of me! Hang on... you know when you say 'hey, what you bin up to?' and the answer is 'nothing'. Obviously it's not nothing, unless they were in a cryogenic prison like Sylvester Stallone in Demolitian Man. Sitting around having a conversation can often be perceived as 'doing nothing'. What's wrong with us? Just say you're practicing natural conversation for when you meet John Coltrane. It would be a shock for sure - given that he's dead - but if such a thing happened you'd want to be prepared. Armed with all sorts of relaxed conversational items like 'hey man' and 'I wonder what it feels like to bird when it operates it's wings?' or 'I'm thinking of becoming a bumblebee nutritionist'. That last one is just a statement, and could leave conversation stale... I like to think it might prompt a vigorous response such as 'interesting you say that, as I invested in the Bumblebee Nutritionist training program, and it is my wish that you construct a piece of toast by breaking down old bees into elementary particles and reassembling, then spread with peter butter. I said Peter Butter. No - PETER Butter. Yeah cheers.' and then as you can see, conversation flourishes and lifelong relationships are born. Conceived by conversation and parented by no one. Funny how you can say 'and an idea was born!' like two ideas got together, experienced unprotected notions, and had a brainchild. Then you can say 'I wasn't born yesterday'. Well. If you're saying that then obviously you weren't. Also you wouldn't have got all those clothes in one day surely, let alone learnt to tie your laces. It's possible that someone got you the clothes, taught you that phrase and tied your shoelaces, but you still didn't strike me as a newborn.

I better get some sleep. Far out.

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Bloody this, bloody that.

Bloody thames island ramp
A ramp in the Thames river onto a bloody island.

Bloody harrowing fish yeast
A yeast that fish make that's pretty bloody harrowing.

Bloody garden seperated belongings
A bloody set of belongings that are seperated by bloody gardens.

Bloody bereft jubilee mammals
Mammals that attend a bereft bloody jubilee.

Bloody hiring eftpos repeat

Bloody porridge heist shoes
If you're gonna steal a whole lotta porridge, you'll need these special porridge heist shoes.

Bloody forest hack entity
Anything that used to hack forests.

Bloody graphite weather mambo
A style of music that is written in pencil and is influenced by the bloody weather.

Bloody earnest holiday wrap
A type of wrap that wraps up holidays in earnest. It's the stuff that wraps up those 'package deals'. Gotta have something holding those packages together..

Thursday, December 10, 2009

I'm so hungry, I could eat a meal.

Hungry again. Very much so. Some would say 'I'm so hungry, I could eat a horse!'... Not I, as for one, I couldn't even catch the horse - let alone cook it all up, eat it, make the bones into horse stock, and have that in a risotto the following week - because eating a horse surely would be the whole thing? Unless you meant you were so hungry you could eat horse meat. That would take on an entirely different meaning. No more would it be about eating a vast amount of food in the form of an animal that we in New Zealand don't traditionally eat, but it would be about being hungry enough to push our morals. That I understand. Except I'm sure someone would eat a horse burger with horse sauce on it that has a picture of a happy horse with a chefs hat on and a knife and fork in hand - even if they were only mildly hungry - while someone who loves horses and is vegetarian would probably have something to say about it's very existence, let alone eating it.. So, how about, 'I'm so hungry I could eat a bowl of caterpillars'? Or 'I'm so hungry I could eat a kitten'.. That's more realistic as we could physically fit those inside us. As for just large amounts of food in one place (such as the horse) what about 'I'm so hungry I could eat all the occupants of a prison'?

So anyway, I think 'I'm so hungry I could eat a horse' is a stupid saying. I think what's more realistic is 'I'm so hungry I could eat a meal'. Maybe ' a large meal'. But I mean really - if you're hungry, what the fuck else are you gonna eat? Definitely not a horse, that's for sure. Almost.

Here's some alternatives you can try out (they differ in severity for different stages of hunger):

I'm so hungry I could:
• eat a foraging kiwi
• eat a helpful banker
• go to the supermarket
• break into someone's house and steal some food
• eat a sandwich that smells slightly off
• use my credit card to buy McDonalds
• eat ten spiders with snake sauce on them
• starve to death
• spend $10 on a vintage banana
• get snappy at other people
• eat a cyclists spandex outfit with jam on it

Add your own if you feel that way inclined. Or don't.

Monday, November 2, 2009

Taps. Who are they?

Taps. You get different taps, in different shapes, that do pretty much the same thing. They either give you water or they do nothing at all. Well - not quite true - they also give beer and gas but lets just focus on the more common breed - the water tap. Sometimes the water is hot and sometimes it's cold, and sometimes it's just one tap that mixes hot and cold together. They're good. But STILL you can buy a hot tap and a cold tap for bathrooms, and they have the largest range! When do you ever want scalding hot water in the bathroom? Washing hands in cold weather comprises of using the hot tap until it becomes too hot, and in that time you can't usually wash your hands properly. Sometimes I turn on the cold tap too and switch between them to get a balance, but this shouldn't be the case! Damn it, those mixer taps should be where you wash your hands, as seperate hot & cold taps only mix when you plug the sink and fill it up. How impractical.

The other thing about taps, is that you can only choose one product. It's either 'off' or 'I'm ejecting water from my spout' or 'I'm ejecting water faster than ever!'. Why can't it be 'here's some milk', 'have a beer' or 'here's some soap to help wash your dishes'. Even better - what about another turn gives you suggestions such as 'you washed the dishes last time, go and relax' or 'what are you doing?! You'll miss our bus!' ...and it's then you ask your tap whether it's real interest is in giving. It should not be 'our' bus, since taps don't catch the bus. Never take your tap on the bus with you. For starters, it won't give all those things as it is just a middle man between the pipes (the real givers) and you. Another thing - if a tap is asking to come on the bus with you, you should probably tell someone and ask if they're having similar experiences. If they're not - then you should talk to it secretly as it has obviously taken a liking to you in particular, and you wouldn't want others feeling left out. Taps are sort of like gods - they will give to anyone, a lot of people connect with them and talk to them (like 'F&#K!' when they get burnt, or 'I'm so thirsty! *filllll*'), but they really only talk to a few. So if you are one of those special people, do not be alarmed. Let the tap give advice, and then you could proclaim all it has to say to the world, and the spiritual sons of the taps will serve loyally. Maybe.

Monday, October 12, 2009

What do the words 'sick', 'mean', and 'filthy' mean to you?

Well. These terms in their literal meanings are quite different, but in context can be used to describe a very similar type of good. I shall demonstrate using a meal, a grandma, a t-shirt and a drummer.

First off, you wouldn't call a meal filthy - especially if was a really good meal! If it was filthy you may want to rinse it, or just not eat it. I've never had much luck rinsing meals and don't recommend it. Although I suppose fish get rinsed meals everytime.. Lush. You wouldn't call a meal sick either, it kinda brings images to mind that more resemble the food AFTER digestion, rather than before. Not an appetising way to describe a meal - Sick Lamb Pie.. is that a pie made from a sick lamb, or more of a lamb-sick pie, which would be digested grass? Either way, bloody terrible idea. A meal, however, could be described as mean. Not in the sense that it's unfriendly, but it's awesome/mean/wicked/amazing.

Second up, a grandma. Now a grandma can be many things, it's true, and these words also apply - although I'm not sure you would want your particular, good old family grandma to be these things. A sick grandma is not a good thing. It's a bit sad actually, because she could die and we wouldn't want that. Everyone will die eventually and if we got what we wanted - no one would die and the Earth would die as a result, purged of all it's resources. Then we'd all die anyway. Anyway - you would not describe a bangin grandma as sick. You also wouldn't say this particular bangin grandma is mean, because a mean grandma is never a good thing, no matter how many times you ask yourself. If your grandma was filthy, she would probably be gracing the classified section of a Mayfair magazine, advertising her hot wet bucket. That would be a tragedy. Although, it could be pretty badass, having a porno grandma. She'd wear leather and ride a motorbike, and make mean cookies. Anyway. Enough of that.

A t-shirt. A shirt of the T variety. A T-rated shirt. Shirt tea? If this garment were to be described as filthy, it would need a wash. Pretty standard use of the term there. The t-shirt could be sick or mean, both have slightly different connotations though. Try some out on the street sometime and if you get a strange look, try the other word. With trial and error you will find the perfect balance. Remember that in this context, 'mean' and 'sick' mean 'most excellent indeed'.

Last but not least, a drummer can don all these terms with a certain grace. If the hitter of drums is mean, you'd wanna jam. Simple as that. If they are sick, you either want to jam or get a replacement asap. If they are filthy you most definitely want to jam with them, and they probably need a wash anyway - so that covers all bases. Filthy drummers.

So there you go. Now when walking down a street full of people you can now relish in the fact that you are hip to three more terms in today's ever changing world of slang. There is one more word I'd like to share, and that is 'bangin'. This can be used for anything good, such as 'man, that new skatepark is bangin' or 'this is a bangin tune', or 'your cat bangs man, look at it jump!', or to compliment someone 'that is a bangin dress you're wearing/your dress bangs hard' when in fact the dress doesn't bang anything. It's just good. Try and use it in a sentence today. It will bring joy to you and your listeners.

Sunday, June 7, 2009

More Than Meets the Eye

Transformations occur daily - not always in comic books.... For instance, transforming yourself from a hungry person to a full person, or a book from a book on the ground to a book in the bin, or a bed from unmade to made, a car from a nice car to a piece of shit (this transformation usually takes a while), ten toddlers into 8 adults (takes a long time and some die on the way), a candle into a lump of wax, a house into a burgled house.. The list goes on. The one I've been thinking of lately is - dirty dishes into clean dishes (by hand). They transform before your eyes, and you can even make the sound (REHH-EEE-ORR-UUH-URR-EEE-ORR-REHH-ORR-EEE-UHH-EHH-ORR). In fact, I think making the sound helps quite a bit. It makes you wash more thoroughly, like a robot in disguise would. You should try it. Don't forget to keep an eye out for the ongoing battle between the ever-good Autobowls and the evil Decepticups, should they be placed together a terrible fight may break loose, which may see you in the Warehouse buying more to replace them! Or more likely - end up being a few dishes down and start using jars for drinking out of and pot lids for eating pasta from.
It was worth the spectacle, you'll say. But then what? Have you learned? No? Get back to work.

Monday, October 27, 2008


I found a piece of paper inside a random 2nd hand record sleeve once. It's been lying around the place recently and I wanted to share it, it's pretty cool.

As you think, you travel; as you love you attract. You are today where your thoughts brought you, you will be tomorrow where your thoughts take you. You cannot escape the result of your thoughts, but you can endure and learn, can accept and be glad. You will realise the vision (not the idle wish) of your heart, be it base or beautiful, or a mixture of both for you will always gravitate toward that which you secretly most love. Into your hands will be placed the exact results of you thoughts; you will receive that which you earn; no more and no less. Whatever your present environment may be, you will fall, remain or rise with your thoughts, your vision, your ideal. You will become as small as your controlling desire; as great as your dominant inspiration. -James Allen

Monday, September 15, 2008

The Toast Continuum

I was just eating some toast with the old mouth. You know the feeling, I'm sure? Trusty peanut butter on toast. Can't go wrong (unless there are caterpillars in your peanut butter, not to mention it's not peanut butter, it's treebutt gutter - and the toast is made from flour ground from giraffe bones, then toasted between two burning cars...). Anyway, during this particular toast session (it happens occasionally) I looked down and there was only a morsel left! Now now I thought, this is totally unfair - I don't even remember eating the other piece! I felt that maybe I had slipped through a wormhole, or maybe the almighty Toasterer** had switched host bodies for a wee indulgence session.. Now I realise this is unfair, but that's just the reality of it - so let's not think of toast session as having an end, let's instead start "The Toast Continuum". This is where the toast keeps flowing and it's no longer a session, but a way of life. This is merely a concept on paper, a fish in the oven, some flour in the bakery, a banana seed in Ecuador, a crustacean in the sea, a dollar in the savings account. Imagine it - toast:life, we could probably do a lot more with toast than just eat it also. I can imagine the possibility of just looking at toast, sitting there, all alone. Well.... I'd be alone, because I drove everyone away with my unwavering vision for toast future (well.... definitely wasn't the napkins.... they're real antiques and we told them a lot of interesting facts about those), but the toast would have all it's toast friends around, hanging out. Ahhhhhh. What a beautiful place that would be....

**The Toasterer is kind of like a God - or a spirit, the spirit of Toast. He is married to the Toastess and they live in a wee two-slice toaster in a secluded spot out of town. Well the Toasterer needs his fill of toast, but no longer has a physical body, so he infiltrates other peoples bodies and takes over consciousness when they're eating toast, which results in the host body being a bit surprised that they only have a morsel left.

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Lazy Yak, Get a Haircut!

When I was little I asked where God was, because I definitely couldn't see this person I'd heard people talking about. I was told God was everywhere, and when I asked if he was also inside my ear, I was assured that indeed this was the case. Hmmm. Another curious thing, I was told the other day by Redshirt Bighair [name suppressed for personal safety reasons beyond hurting teeth on over-burnt toast] that God is actually a yak! A hairy yak. Put yak and ears together and voila, I have a god-yak in my ears. I hope he doesn't god-yak-piss in there. That's probably what ear wax is, dried up god-yak piss. Disgusting. We deduced that God yak (who Redshirt Bighair called Steve) had not had a haircut for a while, and so although the actual god-yak wasn't inside my ears - his silken god-locks were. That would explain why I can't hear very well. I'd snip those locks myself in an instant, but normal scissors won't do the trick, only god-rated scissors will do. I think we can safely assume that the god hairdressers are pretty booked up with those Egyptian gods, they seem to keep pretty tidy and seem very conscious of their appearance - keeping skin supple by bathing in ass milk and all. You know, the milk that comes out of asses. So we're not in for perfect hearing for a few millennia yet I'd imagine, unless someone makes some god-rated scissors. Lazy yaks these days...

P.S. This also applies to non god-yaks, just your everyday common yaks. I'm just singling out the yak that has his hair in my ears. Probably my sandwich too. Poor sandwich, all she wants is to be at one with her fillings! See what I did there, I made it female. Just like that, peow! Oh I'm feeling the power.

Saturday, June 28, 2008

Old Grouchy eh.

Sitting atop a foolish hill,
Thinking of Winston the window sill,
It occurred to me I hadn't been posting for weeks,
I'd lose any momentum and any subscribing freaks!

With this in mind I set forth for the sea,
For Faraday the Fish would surely help me!
But when I arrived Faraday I could not find!
No fish knew of him - he was all in my mind!

I was lost and distraught like a rejected green mouse,
I searched for his number in case he'd moved house...

Faraday the Fish was nothing but a name,
In a rhyme I wrote on my couch.
I got sucked in by the story and I felt rather lame,
So I rang a Peasant named Grouch.

Grouch had his ups, and he also had his downs.
Just thought I'd let you know. Old Grouchy. Yeahh!

Tuesday, June 3, 2008

Large Flying Creatures called Terry.

Not sure what to write. I get that when I'm tired, then writing always brings out something. Like talking about how I can't think of anything to write, except then I'm writing something. It's like a murder of crows. Not at all actually, but I wanted to say that.

I found the largest ever flying animal the other day. Now I realize that statement could be a little misleading - I'm not claiming to have found it's bones, I just found it on the internet. It was lying amongst an article about Pterasaurs on Wikipedia. It's wingspan was a colossal 12 meters, that's fucking huge! It didn't even fit on my screen! Wow. They were like huge flying lizards with tails. Imagine that - a bird whose single wing is 4 times as long as you, or 10 times as long as a meter ruler which has had 40cm taken off it. That's a lot of broken rulers in a row. I couldn't imagine it trying to make a nest, the twigs wouldn't hold many creatures. I suppose it would lived inside a cave, without a TV, no internet, no stereo - just the sounds of nature (chirping birds, animals crying out in pain as their bones get crunched by predators, bloodthirsty roars, wind whistling through the bones of last nights dinner etc). What a purist this beast was. Keepin it real.

There's actually been two sightings of a pterosaur in recent times - one in 1944 by a soldier in Papua New Guinea, and one in 1971 by a psychologist (I think) in an island just off PNG. Not quite sure what's going on there! The natives even have a name for them: ropen. Bit of a lackluster name if you ask me. What's wrong with something a bit more trad, such as 'Daniel', or 'Steve'. Or, a more fitting name such as Terry - Terry the Terrible Pterosaur (as in he's not very good at being one). Bit more catchy don't you think? Let me know if you have a better name for prehistoric flying lizards that still live among us....

I actually think ropen sounds quite medieval, or like a character out of Lord of the Rings or something. But it's more fun saying it's shit. I had fun anyway. So there.

Friday, March 28, 2008

Should we be upside-down more often?

I was thinking today - what if being upright wasn't particularly good for us? Does doing handstands often give a more even body balance? Maybe standing on your head does wonders for your insides, loosening up old dirt and grime and shaking it to the floor. I am no weirdo, and I'm not about to embark on a lifelong diet of wood chips, fish scales, essence of lizard, and making sure I only breath the finest filtered air available through a severed elephant trunk to further my existence by a few months (which would be a much more miserable one by then! Damn lizard essence) - but I am curious and like to ponder things in depth.

So I was thinking, what percentage of your life would you be upside down? (We'll cast aside sleeping as that is horizontal, and you probably do a fair bit of innard mixing in that position anyway.) Would it be half your life, to ensure a decent mix? if so how would choose your switch over times? Would it be one week walking on your head, one week on your legs? Or would it be the slightly hilarious but more efficient 5 second switcharoo? Personally I think a short time of a few seconds would be excellent - giving not only a good mix but also building fitness and reducing obesity. Also there would be added bonuses of a feeling of unification amongst people, that adds to the community feel; amusement wherever you look (at the different techniques and odd situations); increase you acrobatic skill and flexibility.

I think this is a truly excellent idea. You may be thinking 'Golly that sounds awfully difficult Faraday!' (That's if you have an imaginary friend inside your brain named Faraday) - but I mean really, everything is hard until you can do it right? I think you're just lazy and don't want to learn. Learning sucks you say? Well, prepare to fail in life. Take that.

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

The Sun is Too Bright, and Rabbit Water is Delicious.

What a beautiful day it was today. Although I do wish we could see stars and planets during the daytime as well. Of course we can see one star - the Sun - but it's quite unpleasant to look at because it's so fricken bright. I say the Sun is too bright, where are the crazy Russians when you need them? We want sunglasses for the Earth dammit! Or at least a dimmer. What does it think it's doing anyway, sentencing everyone who looks at it to blindness. Actually that's not true, when I was eleven I once looked straight at the Sun for about 10 minutes. It went from hurting my eyes to quite a hypnotic experience, turning into a small white disc while everything else faded away to blackness around it. Pretty cool. Afterwards I had a huge hole in the center of my vision for about an hour or so, but nothing I couldn't work around. It's probably bad on some level so that's why I thought I'd share my experience - so you wouldn't have to do it yourself. I am not blind but am a little shortsighted, which is probably not at all related to sun-staring. Nat jokes about me being blind, I say she's just mean to people with disabilities. It's only a matter of time before she pokes fun at people in wheelchairs, challenging them to jumping competitions.

P.S. When we were little my brother James and I drank out of a rabbit hutch water dispenser (while it was still positioned on the hutch door), I think we wanted to know if it worked alright. Routine testing and maintenance I suppose you could call it. The mechanism is very effective from memory, it was nice water too. Since I was young I didn't think about rabbits having feelings, they must have been a bit pissed off. Also our mum was angry at us and I didn't really know why - I suppose we could have got a rabbit illness.
James thanked me for the memory when I brought it up, although I'm not sure he was sincere.

P.P.S. If anyone is interested in why I called upon the Russians for global dimming options click the link on "crazy Russians" further up. They once wanted to make a huge mirror in space to light up the dark side of the Earth and have eternal daytime. Bizarre huh. That article is from 1993, because later articles only explain how they tested it and failed miserably.

Thursday, March 13, 2008

Crazy Demographics vid!!

Watch this till the end, it's pretty mind blowing. I got it off a teacher from a school I teach piano at so you can download here in .wmv format.
I searched youtube for it and a few versions came up - mostly the different music struck me. Some were ambient electronic bleeps and pads, there was one with a guitar and someone singing although I didn't like the sound of it, and some more electronic sounding music with beats. I chose the stand-out cross between Riverdance and Lord of the Rings. It struck me as strange they might use jig music for this kind of thing, but it sure makes the whole thing seem pretty epic. Probably a lot more so than if you just watched. I haven't tried jigging while watching it yet, or learning the fiddle to get more insight either. I also haven't tried strapping the laptop to my face while skateboarding down a large hill toward a herd of evil nuns with black eyes and a love for lacy white curtains - that would probably make it seem very intense and increase the impact of the video. It's all about the watching environment, hence the Riverdance/Lord of the Rings mash-up.


Saturday, March 8, 2008

Look where you're walking Chuck Storm!

No matter how many times I tell him, he always walks into that sign/pole/robotic arm dangling from the sky offering pizza. Maybe if enough people watch it he will stop doing it. I like the way he says 'oh god', the voice has a bit of a shake to it. Haha! I like the little shake. Poor Chuck Storm. Sweet name huh!

I found this over at Geekologie, one of my favourite places to visit on the net. Every day ridiculous inventions and ideas never fail to amuse/amaze/astonish/astound/allure/asinter me (that last one was made up). Go there and be entertained.

I'm about to eat Japanese Curry. Yum scrum.

Paprika Power (a mighty fine story)


Sword Attorney - the police are coming to banish us from observing the habitat of garish shirts on people with coffee addictions! Ah well, I guess it could be worse - we could be fishing for goats surrounded in deep forest encrusted with interestingly shaped rocks.... yesterdays news but still gets me every time (although I think it might just be decoration).

To return to the matter at hand: I think our situation is quite stable here. You see, we've gained information from countless slightly-shrivelled (but still green) leafy leaf biscuits (made from leaves, may contain traces of leaves) (with Scurglydiggle's signature folks! ah, dearest Scurglydiggle), and.... oops.

Have courage with that scratched, beaten (but shiny because I washed it see, I washed it) can of Coca-Cola.


The main bit

The conversation that changes lives starts with frowning upon handicapped pigeons....