Bloody this, bloody that.

Bloody thames island ramp
A ramp in the Thames river onto a bloody island.

Bloody harrowing fish yeast
A yeast that fish make that's pretty bloody harrowing.

Bloody garden seperated belongings
A bloody set of belongings that are seperated by bloody gardens.

Bloody bereft jubilee mammals
Mammals that attend a bereft bloody jubilee.

Bloody hiring eftpos repeat
What?

Bloody porridge heist shoes
If you're gonna steal a whole lotta porridge, you'll need these special porridge heist shoes.

Bloody forest hack entity
Anything that used to hack forests.

Bloody graphite weather mambo
A style of music that is written in pencil and is influenced by the bloody weather.

Bloody earnest holiday wrap
A type of wrap that wraps up holidays in earnest. It's the stuff that wraps up those 'package deals'. Gotta have something holding those packages together..

I'm so hungry, I could eat a meal.

Hungry again. Very much so. Some would say 'I'm so hungry, I could eat a horse!'... Not I, as for one, I couldn't even catch the horse - let alone cook it all up, eat it, make the bones into horse stock, and have that in a risotto the following week - because eating a horse surely would be the whole thing? Unless you meant you were so hungry you could eat horse meat. That would take on an entirely different meaning. No more would it be about eating a vast amount of food in the form of an animal that we in New Zealand don't traditionally eat, but it would be about being hungry enough to push our morals. That I understand. Except I'm sure someone would eat a horse burger with horse sauce on it that has a picture of a happy horse with a chefs hat on and a knife and fork in hand - even if they were only mildly hungry - while someone who loves horses and is vegetarian would probably have something to say about it's very existence, let alone eating it.. So, how about, 'I'm so hungry I could eat a bowl of caterpillars'? Or 'I'm so hungry I could eat a kitten'.. That's more realistic as we could physically fit those inside us. As for just large amounts of food in one place (such as the horse) what about 'I'm so hungry I could eat all the occupants of a prison'?

So anyway, I think 'I'm so hungry I could eat a horse' is a stupid saying. I think what's more realistic is 'I'm so hungry I could eat a meal'. Maybe '..eat a large meal'. But I mean really - if you're hungry, what the fuck else are you gonna eat? Definitely not a horse, that's for sure. Almost.

Here's some alternatives you can try out (they differ in severity for different stages of hunger):

I'm so hungry I could:
• eat a foraging kiwi
• eat a helpful banker
• go to the supermarket
• break into someone's house and steal some food
• eat a sandwich that smells slightly off
• use my credit card to buy McDonalds
• eat ten spiders with snake sauce on them
• starve to death
• spend $10 on a vintage banana
• get snappy at other people
• eat a cyclists spandex outfit with jam on it


Add your own if you feel that way inclined. Or don't.

Taps. Who are they?

Taps. You get different taps, in different shapes, that do pretty much the same thing. They either give you water or they do nothing at all. Well - not quite true - they also give beer and gas but lets just focus on the more common breed - the water tap. Sometimes the water is hot and sometimes it's cold, and sometimes it's just one tap that mixes hot and cold together. They're good. But STILL you can buy a hot tap and a cold tap for bathrooms, and they have the largest range! When do you ever want scalding hot water in the bathroom? Washing hands in cold weather comprises of using the hot tap until it becomes too hot, and in that time you can't usually wash your hands properly. Sometimes I turn on the cold tap too and switch between them to get a balance, but this shouldn't be the case! Damn it, those mixer taps should be where you wash your hands, as seperate hot & cold taps only mix when you plug the sink and fill it up. How impractical.

The other thing about taps, is that you can only choose one product. It's either 'off' or 'I'm ejecting water from my spout' or 'I'm ejecting water faster than ever!'. Why can't it be 'here's some milk', 'have a beer' or 'here's some soap to help wash your dishes'. Even better - what about another turn gives you suggestions such as 'you washed the dishes last time, go and relax' or 'what are you doing?! You'll miss our bus!' ...and it's then you ask your tap whether it's real interest is in giving. It should not be 'our' bus, since taps don't catch the bus. Never take your tap on the bus with you. For starters, it won't give all those things as it is just a middle man between the pipes (the real givers) and you. Another thing - if a tap is asking to come on the bus with you, you should probably tell someone and ask if they're having similar experiences. If they're not - then you should talk to it secretly as it has obviously taken a liking to you in particular, and you wouldn't want others feeling left out. Taps are sort of like gods - they will give to anyone, a lot of people connect with them and talk to them (like 'F&#K!' when they get burnt, or 'I'm so thirsty! *filllll*'), but they really only talk to a few. So if you are one of those special people, do not be alarmed. Let the tap give advice, and then you could proclaim all it has to say to the world, and the spiritual sons of the taps will serve loyally. Maybe.

More Than Meets the Eye

Transformations occur daily - not always in comic books.... For instance, transforming yourself from a hungry person to a full person, or a book from a book on the ground to a book in the bin, or a bed from unmade to made, a car from a nice car to a piece of shit (this transformation usually takes a while), ten toddlers into 8 adults (takes a long time and some die on the way), a candle into a lump of wax, a house into a burgled house.. The list goes on. The one I've been thinking of lately is - dirty dishes into clean dishes (by hand). They transform before your eyes, and you can even make the sound (REHH-EEE-ORR-UUH-URR-EEE-ORR-REHH-ORR-EEE-UHH-EHH-ORR). In fact, I think making the sound helps quite a bit. It makes you wash more thoroughly, like a robot in disguise would. You should try it. Don't forget to keep an eye out for the ongoing battle between the ever-good Autobowls and the evil Decepticups, should they be placed together a terrible fight may break loose, which may see you in the Warehouse buying more to replace them! Or more likely - end up being a few dishes down and start using jars for drinking out of and pot lids for eating pasta from.
It was worth the spectacle, you'll say. But then what? Have you learned? No? Get back to work.