Tuesday, November 19, 2013

Ed's Hiccup Remedies

There are all sorts of remedies flying about like drinking a cup of water upside-down and so forth, but I feel some of the more effective ones have been left out. Here is a short list I compiled in an idle moment:

1) Fire a flaming arrow made from the rib of a cat through a eucalyptus leaf while gargling a mix of wine and orange juice that has passed through a cobra three times in an East-West direction to counter the spin of the Earth.

2) Step lightly on the toes of five world leaders within a two minute timeframe.

3) Find ten flies and capture them in a crystal vase, then transport them safely to the nearest market and attempt to sell them for $24.99 each. When someone hands over money, allow one to escape saying 'there you go!' as it flies away.

4) Find a bush and run at it with a mask on. You're welcome to topple over the front of it when you get there. If this doesn't do it, it's because you forgot to replace the floor in the kitchen with a fire-pit.

5) Visit the crater of an active volcano and watch as the lava falls around you. I reckon that should do it. If not...

6) Try to make a creme brulee whilst betting a million dollars you don't have on a sport you know nothing about. Have the TV in front of you. Man that would suck. Even if your hiccups don't go away, the intense experience would fully overshadow them and you'd probably cease to notice them.

7) Find a goat and try to benchpress it 20 times without it biting you whilst spiders are dropped onto your tummy and an old woman dressed as Darth Vader attempts to teach you Cantonese.

Good luck!

Friday, November 15, 2013

Why do they make toothpaste so damn refreshing?!

I was just about the second tiredest I've been in my life when I had this idea of cleaning my teeth with mint flavoured foaming paste. MINT! Goddamn that stuff perks you right up! It's not like the toothpaste companies don't know people brush their teeth at night, I'm pretty sure. Surely even if they were all morning only brushers only they might at least see it in done in films.
What? Oh. So you know - listening to music and gently falling asleep... could do this but I must micturate first. So you get up to micturate (yes folks, micturate. Cool word eh! I just learnt it) and feel that fur around your teeth. Not your moustache, mind - more of the bits and the things. So you clean it off with a brush in your post-micturitious state - or whatever it's called. That's all very well, but when all is said and brushed there is this minty fresh in your mouth, and it resembles a cool breeze and a wave full of bright lights and excitement mixed together into a seething mass of AWAKENESS. Where did this come from? Why do they want me to feel refreshed at 3am when I just want to sleep? Why is the paste always minty? Where is our night time sleepy toothpaste with no lights or waves or excitement hitting ones face? What does toothpaste taste like without any minty or otherwise flavouring in it? Why does a goat eat thistles but a bird choose to take to the sky using a clever wing system? Is the goat missing the point or the bird? Can goats fly but choose not to? Can thistles eat birds?
I realise these are big questions totally out of our reach in todays world, but my hope is one day we could all provide answers for these riddles of life. Go scientists! You have much work to do in finding these answers and relaying them to billions of people. May I suggest letters, phone calls and messenger pigeons to spread the word. Or words, rather.
'SPREAD THE WORD!'
'Which word in particular? There's a few.'
'ALL OF THE WORDS!'
'Aren't there are dictionaries for that?'
'ALL OF THE SCIENCE WORDS ANSWERING THE RIDDLES OF LIFE CONTAINED ON THIS PAGE!'
'Okay, I see now. All three of your instructions differ wildly. I hope you realise this next time and are more specific with your mouth words. That way, I can spend less time clarifying - which takes up precious energy - therefore I would need less food to and I save money. That's right. The vaguer your instructions, the more expensive it is for me to operate.'

Saturday, November 2, 2013

What to do with a worried monkey

Now, I know what you're thinking. You're thinking about delicious grapes, peeled by a worried monkey. Well, that's okay, I suppose. You can think about what you like. But let me gently suggest some techniques to calm the worried monkey - he IS peeling you grapes after all. So first off I would make sure that there are no weapons pointed directly at the monkey and there are no other immediate dangers, such as.... oh I don't know.... a drill! Spinning very close to it. Once you've carefully assessed the dangers (remembering that a perceived danger to the monkey may not necessarily be obvious to you or I) then I would move onto massage. I mean, I saw a lady massage a possum which is pretty weird - and mind you it did seem a little worried. You could also just try telling the monkey everything is going to be okay. That's what they say in movies all the time, especially when it's obviously not going to be okay, oddly enough.

Excuse me, I'm boring myself here. Far out. Actually talking about nothing. What has become of me! Hang on... you know when you say 'hey, what you bin up to?' and the answer is 'nothing'. Obviously it's not nothing, unless they were in a cryogenic prison like Sylvester Stallone in Demolitian Man. Sitting around having a conversation can often be perceived as 'doing nothing'. What's wrong with us? Just say you're practicing natural conversation for when you meet John Coltrane. It would be a shock for sure - given that he's dead - but if such a thing happened you'd want to be prepared. Armed with all sorts of relaxed conversational items like 'hey man' and 'I wonder what it feels like to bird when it operates it's wings?' or 'I'm thinking of becoming a bumblebee nutritionist'. That last one is just a statement, and could leave conversation stale... I like to think it might prompt a vigorous response such as 'interesting you say that, as I invested in the Bumblebee Nutritionist training program, and it is my wish that you construct a piece of toast by breaking down old bees into elementary particles and reassembling, then spread with peter butter. I said Peter Butter. No - PETER Butter. Yeah cheers.' and then as you can see, conversation flourishes and lifelong relationships are born. Conceived by conversation and parented by no one. Funny how you can say 'and an idea was born!' like two ideas got together, experienced unprotected notions, and had a brainchild. Then you can say 'I wasn't born yesterday'. Well. If you're saying that then obviously you weren't. Also you wouldn't have got all those clothes in one day surely, let alone learnt to tie your laces. It's possible that someone got you the clothes, taught you that phrase and tied your shoelaces, but you still didn't strike me as a newborn.

I better get some sleep. Far out.