Tuesday, November 19, 2013

Ed's Hiccup Remedies

There are all sorts of remedies flying about like drinking a cup of water upside-down and so forth, but I feel some of the more effective ones have been left out. Here is a short list I compiled in an idle moment:

1) Fire a flaming arrow made from the rib of a cat through a eucalyptus leaf while gargling a mix of wine and orange juice that has passed through a cobra three times in an East-West direction to counter the spin of the Earth.

2) Step lightly on the toes of five world leaders within a two minute timeframe.

3) Find ten flies and capture them in a crystal vase, then transport them safely to the nearest market and attempt to sell them for $24.99 each. When someone hands over money, allow one to escape saying 'there you go!' as it flies away.

4) Find a bush and run at it with a mask on. You're welcome to topple over the front of it when you get there. If this doesn't do it, it's because you forgot to replace the floor in the kitchen with a fire-pit.

5) Visit the crater of an active volcano and watch as the lava falls around you. I reckon that should do it. If not...

6) Try to make a creme brulee whilst betting a million dollars you don't have on a sport you know nothing about. Have the TV in front of you. Man that would suck. Even if your hiccups don't go away, the intense experience would fully overshadow them and you'd probably cease to notice them.

7) Find a goat and try to benchpress it 20 times without it biting you whilst spiders are dropped onto your tummy and an old woman dressed as Darth Vader attempts to teach you Cantonese.

Good luck!

Friday, November 15, 2013

Why do they make toothpaste so damn refreshing?!

I was just about the second tiredest I've been in my life when I had this idea of cleaning my teeth with mint flavoured foaming paste. MINT! Goddamn that stuff perks you right up! It's not like the toothpaste companies don't know people brush their teeth at night, I'm pretty sure. Surely even if they were all morning only brushers only they might at least see it in done in films.
What? Oh. So you know - listening to music and gently falling asleep... could do this but I must micturate first. So you get up to micturate (yes folks, micturate. Cool word eh! I just learnt it) and feel that fur around your teeth. Not your moustache, mind - more of the bits and the things. So you clean it off with a brush in your post-micturitious state - or whatever it's called. That's all very well, but when all is said and brushed there is this minty fresh in your mouth, and it resembles a cool breeze and a wave full of bright lights and excitement mixed together into a seething mass of AWAKENESS. Where did this come from? Why do they want me to feel refreshed at 3am when I just want to sleep? Why is the paste always minty? Where is our night time sleepy toothpaste with no lights or waves or excitement hitting ones face? What does toothpaste taste like without any minty or otherwise flavouring in it? Why does a goat eat thistles but a bird choose to take to the sky using a clever wing system? Is the goat missing the point or the bird? Can goats fly but choose not to? Can thistles eat birds?
I realise these are big questions totally out of our reach in todays world, but my hope is one day we could all provide answers for these riddles of life. Go scientists! You have much work to do in finding these answers and relaying them to billions of people. May I suggest letters, phone calls and messenger pigeons to spread the word. Or words, rather.
'Which word in particular? There's a few.'
'Aren't there are dictionaries for that?'
'Okay, I see now. All three of your instructions differ wildly. I hope you realise this next time and are more specific with your mouth words. That way, I can spend less time clarifying - which takes up precious energy - therefore I would need less food to and I save money. That's right. The vaguer your instructions, the more expensive it is for me to operate.'

Saturday, November 2, 2013

What to do with a worried monkey

Now, I know what you're thinking. You're thinking about delicious grapes, peeled by a worried monkey. Well, that's okay, I suppose. You can think about what you like. But let me gently suggest some techniques to calm the worried monkey - he IS peeling you grapes after all. So first off I would make sure that there are no weapons pointed directly at the monkey and there are no other immediate dangers, such as.... oh I don't know.... a drill! Spinning very close to it. Once you've carefully assessed the dangers (remembering that a perceived danger to the monkey may not necessarily be obvious to you or I) then I would move onto massage. I mean, I saw a lady massage a possum which is pretty weird - and mind you it did seem a little worried. You could also just try telling the monkey everything is going to be okay. That's what they say in movies all the time, especially when it's obviously not going to be okay, oddly enough.

Excuse me, I'm boring myself here. Far out. Actually talking about nothing. What has become of me! Hang on... you know when you say 'hey, what you bin up to?' and the answer is 'nothing'. Obviously it's not nothing, unless they were in a cryogenic prison like Sylvester Stallone in Demolitian Man. Sitting around having a conversation can often be perceived as 'doing nothing'. What's wrong with us? Just say you're practicing natural conversation for when you meet John Coltrane. It would be a shock for sure - given that he's dead - but if such a thing happened you'd want to be prepared. Armed with all sorts of relaxed conversational items like 'hey man' and 'I wonder what it feels like to bird when it operates it's wings?' or 'I'm thinking of becoming a bumblebee nutritionist'. That last one is just a statement, and could leave conversation stale... I like to think it might prompt a vigorous response such as 'interesting you say that, as I invested in the Bumblebee Nutritionist training program, and it is my wish that you construct a piece of toast by breaking down old bees into elementary particles and reassembling, then spread with peter butter. I said Peter Butter. No - PETER Butter. Yeah cheers.' and then as you can see, conversation flourishes and lifelong relationships are born. Conceived by conversation and parented by no one. Funny how you can say 'and an idea was born!' like two ideas got together, experienced unprotected notions, and had a brainchild. Then you can say 'I wasn't born yesterday'. Well. If you're saying that then obviously you weren't. Also you wouldn't have got all those clothes in one day surely, let alone learnt to tie your laces. It's possible that someone got you the clothes, taught you that phrase and tied your shoelaces, but you still didn't strike me as a newborn.

I better get some sleep. Far out.

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Bloody this, bloody that.

Bloody thames island ramp
A ramp in the Thames river onto a bloody island.

Bloody harrowing fish yeast
A yeast that fish make that's pretty bloody harrowing.

Bloody garden seperated belongings
A bloody set of belongings that are seperated by bloody gardens.

Bloody bereft jubilee mammals
Mammals that attend a bereft bloody jubilee.

Bloody hiring eftpos repeat

Bloody porridge heist shoes
If you're gonna steal a whole lotta porridge, you'll need these special porridge heist shoes.

Bloody forest hack entity
Anything that used to hack forests.

Bloody graphite weather mambo
A style of music that is written in pencil and is influenced by the bloody weather.

Bloody earnest holiday wrap
A type of wrap that wraps up holidays in earnest. It's the stuff that wraps up those 'package deals'. Gotta have something holding those packages together..

Thursday, December 10, 2009

I'm so hungry, I could eat a meal.

Hungry again. Very much so. Some would say 'I'm so hungry, I could eat a horse!'... Not I, as for one, I couldn't even catch the horse - let alone cook it all up, eat it, make the bones into horse stock, and have that in a risotto the following week - because eating a horse surely would be the whole thing? Unless you meant you were so hungry you could eat horse meat. That would take on an entirely different meaning. No more would it be about eating a vast amount of food in the form of an animal that we in New Zealand don't traditionally eat, but it would be about being hungry enough to push our morals. That I understand. Except I'm sure someone would eat a horse burger with horse sauce on it that has a picture of a happy horse with a chefs hat on and a knife and fork in hand - even if they were only mildly hungry - while someone who loves horses and is vegetarian would probably have something to say about it's very existence, let alone eating it.. So, how about, 'I'm so hungry I could eat a bowl of caterpillars'? Or 'I'm so hungry I could eat a kitten'.. That's more realistic as we could physically fit those inside us. As for just large amounts of food in one place (such as the horse) what about 'I'm so hungry I could eat all the occupants of a prison'?

So anyway, I think 'I'm so hungry I could eat a horse' is a stupid saying. I think what's more realistic is 'I'm so hungry I could eat a meal'. Maybe '..eat a large meal'. But I mean really - if you're hungry, what the fuck else are you gonna eat? Definitely not a horse, that's for sure. Almost.

Here's some alternatives you can try out (they differ in severity for different stages of hunger):

I'm so hungry I could:
• eat a foraging kiwi
• eat a helpful banker
• go to the supermarket
• break into someone's house and steal some food
• eat a sandwich that smells slightly off
• use my credit card to buy McDonalds
• eat ten spiders with snake sauce on them
• starve to death
• spend $10 on a vintage banana
• get snappy at other people
• eat a cyclists spandex outfit with jam on it

Add your own if you feel that way inclined. Or don't.

Monday, November 2, 2009

Taps. Who are they?

Taps. You get different taps, in different shapes, that do pretty much the same thing. They either give you water or they do nothing at all. Well - not quite true - they also give beer and gas but lets just focus on the more common breed - the water tap. Sometimes the water is hot and sometimes it's cold, and sometimes it's just one tap that mixes hot and cold together. They're good. But STILL you can buy a hot tap and a cold tap for bathrooms, and they have the largest range! When do you ever want scalding hot water in the bathroom? Washing hands in cold weather comprises of using the hot tap until it becomes too hot, and in that time you can't usually wash your hands properly. Sometimes I turn on the cold tap too and switch between them to get a balance, but this shouldn't be the case! Damn it, those mixer taps should be where you wash your hands, as seperate hot & cold taps only mix when you plug the sink and fill it up. How impractical.

The other thing about taps, is that you can only choose one product. It's either 'off' or 'I'm ejecting water from my spout' or 'I'm ejecting water faster than ever!'. Why can't it be 'here's some milk', 'have a beer' or 'here's some soap to help wash your dishes'. Even better - what about another turn gives you suggestions such as 'you washed the dishes last time, go and relax' or 'what are you doing?! You'll miss our bus!' ...and it's then you ask your tap whether it's real interest is in giving. It should not be 'our' bus, since taps don't catch the bus. Never take your tap on the bus with you. For starters, it won't give all those things as it is just a middle man between the pipes (the real givers) and you. Another thing - if a tap is asking to come on the bus with you, you should probably tell someone and ask if they're having similar experiences. If they're not - then you should talk to it secretly as it has obviously taken a liking to you in particular, and you wouldn't want others feeling left out. Taps are sort of like gods - they will give to anyone, a lot of people connect with them and talk to them (like 'F&#K!' when they get burnt, or 'I'm so thirsty! *filllll*'), but they really only talk to a few. So if you are one of those special people, do not be alarmed. Let the tap give advice, and then you could proclaim all it has to say to the world, and the spiritual sons of the taps will serve loyally. Maybe.

Monday, October 12, 2009

What do the words 'sick', 'mean', and 'filthy' mean to you?

Well. These terms in their literal meanings are quite different, but in context can be used to describe a very similar type of good. I shall demonstrate using a meal, a grandma, a t-shirt and a drummer.

First off, you wouldn't call a meal filthy - especially if was a really good meal! If it was filthy you may want to rinse it, or just not eat it. I've never had much luck rinsing meals and don't recommend it. Although I suppose fish get rinsed meals everytime.. Lush. You wouldn't call a meal sick either, it kinda brings images to mind that more resemble the food AFTER digestion, rather than before. Not an appetising way to describe a meal - Sick Lamb Pie.. is that a pie made from a sick lamb, or more of a lamb-sick pie, which would be digested grass? Either way, bloody terrible idea. A meal, however, could be described as mean. Not in the sense that it's unfriendly, but it's awesome/mean/wicked/amazing.

Second up, a grandma. Now a grandma can be many things, it's true, and these words also apply - although I'm not sure you would want your particular, good old family grandma to be these things. A sick grandma is not a good thing. It's a bit sad actually, because she could die and we wouldn't want that. Everyone will die eventually and if we got what we wanted - no one would die and the Earth would die as a result, purged of all it's resources. Then we'd all die anyway. Anyway - you would not describe a bangin grandma as sick. You also wouldn't say this particular bangin grandma is mean, because a mean grandma is never a good thing, no matter how many times you ask yourself. If your grandma was filthy, she would probably be gracing the classified section of a Mayfair magazine, advertising her hot wet bucket. That would be a tragedy. Although, it could be pretty badass, having a porno grandma. She'd wear leather and ride a motorbike, and make mean cookies. Anyway. Enough of that.

A t-shirt. A shirt of the T variety. A T-rated shirt. Shirt tea? If this garment were to be described as filthy, it would need a wash. Pretty standard use of the term there. The t-shirt could be sick or mean, both have slightly different connotations though. Try some out on the street sometime and if you get a strange look, try the other word. With trial and error you will find the perfect balance. Remember that in this context, 'mean' and 'sick' mean 'most excellent indeed'.

Last but not least, a drummer can don all these terms with a certain grace. If the hitter of drums is mean, you'd wanna jam. Simple as that. If they are sick, you either want to jam or get a replacement asap. If they are filthy you most definitely want to jam with them, and they probably need a wash anyway - so that covers all bases. Filthy drummers.

So there you go. Now when walking down a street full of people you can now relish in the fact that you are hip to three more terms in today's ever changing world of slang. There is one more word I'd like to share, and that is 'bangin'. This can be used for anything good, such as 'man, that new skatepark is bangin' or 'this is a bangin tune', or 'your cat bangs man, look at it jump!', or to compliment someone 'that is a bangin dress you're wearing/your dress bangs hard' when in fact the dress doesn't bang anything. It's just good. Try and use it in a sentence today. It will bring joy to you and your listeners.

Thursday, August 27, 2009

Ed Zuccollo Trio Q & A

How long has the Ed Zuccollo Trio been about?
The Trio started in September 2001 (I remember because it was around the time we went with my high school - Onslow College - to play in the Monterey Jazz Festival in California, a very memorable event!) and Nick and I have been playing jazz together since 1999.

Where do you see trio going?
I see us definitely going to the Matterhorn on Thursday, and over the next wee while we will be furthering our repertoire of arrangements and hopefully getting another recording out sooner rather than later! Other commitments have been taking precedence and probably will for a while, and that can be quite refreshing too - it's fun to play together and fresh when we don't do it all the time!

Who are the other band members and what do they play?
Rowan Clark plays double bass. We call it a violin or a cello to rile him up a bit - although that tactic has worn off I think. On one particular trip away I slept in his bass case which looked all velvety, but in fact it sticks to your clothes and I woke up all tangled up. Not recommended.

Nick George hits the drums. He played a new years eve gig one year on a freshly broken foot. Like, that same day I think. He also has cool sunglasses that probably cost $2 from an op shop, but they are amazing to look through. Like a vintage analog filter.

Do you have any recordings up your sleeve for release?
We actually have a recording packaged and printed from a concert in 2005, but since then we've been so caught up in other projects (Rowan and Nick with Mercury Crowe, and me with Harbour City Electric) that we haven't got around to documenting ourselves of late!

You look like a mad scientist of the keys, how would you describe your style?
Haha! Mad scientist, I like it! Well, I am a big believer in whatever you feel on stage transmits directly to the audience, so whatever I'm playing I like to have fun and give it lots of energy. I play a variety of styles, I got right into afro-cuban for a while with Kevin Clark as a teacher, and I'm into funk and oldschool hiphop with all those filthy funk breaks, so riff based stuff also - but I think everything I play is tinged with a blues edge, can't get away from it! (Not that I want to!)

And who are favourite key players, past & present?
Oscar Peterson first and foremost, especially on his album ‘Night Train' - so good and bluesy! Michel Camilo for his raw energy and fun arrangements, Erroll Garner for his amazing feel, and he's so lush!!! Bill Evans for his chordal harmony, Chick Corea for his harmonic craziness! I'll leave it at that!

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Pasta Man's Cow Sauce

So Pasta Man has a Facebook fan page now, rightly so. I wish him all the best. He's put up a recipe for what he calls his "Cow Sauce", so here it is... Click on the picture for his fan page - there is the original track download on the wall, plus a remix, and an acapella for anyone who wants to give remixing the hit track of pasta bowls house-wide a go! And now recipes. Awesome.

Alrighty then, pasta sauce
This is a cow-sauce, and works best when you burn it just a wee bit, and cook it for about 3 days.

First get a big pot and clean it, you never know what has preceded your sauce. iI like to use Palmolive, as it is tough on grease, yet gentle on your hands.
Assuming you will be making a large sauce to last yourself a week, put in lashings of olive oil (don't use your real good stuff here, because frying with olive oil evaporates alcohols and esters which make up the flavour anyway). About this much: llllaaasssshhhhhh. Okay, that should be enough. Now get some dried bay leaves, stick a few of them in the oil while it heats up, along with fresh rosemary, thyme, oregano... heaps of herbs so it looks too much. We're gonna make a big sauce. Get a wheel of parmesan cheese and chomp a bit off, and eat it. Now turn on your oven to pasta sauce cooking temperature, and put on a sweet CD at moderate volume. Get a coupla onions, chop the shit out of em and throw em in. If you're lucky you'll get a SSSSSSSS but probably not unless you've burnt your herbs. Get a head of garlic, and chop the bastard cloves up how you like (I like doing em quite big, and some whole cloves for surprises). Make sure that garlic gets it real good, and throw it in at super speed, enough to get arrested from your kitchen if there was a law about the speed of throwing garlic in the home. Twice. Oh also, chuck in a chicken stock cube (OXO is best) or use your own homemade chicken stock if you can. Chicken stock looks like chicken have been dried out, then grated into a bag. What a genius idea.
Right, where are we... oh yes - almost forgot! Reach into your bag of high grade pinenuts and pick up a fistful, chuck em in. We're a bit late there actually, shoulda been earlier to get maximum roast-age without having to use another pot and wash it afterward. Or you could do that. It's probably better. Yeah do that. Stick em in a wee pan with no oil and no friends or family and put the element on real hot. Like, a roasted lawn type of hot.
Ok. What's going on. We want some meat. I like to use cows. Get the most expensive cow mince you can find, if you get the cheapest, you're not allowed to make this sauce. You'll be eating cow eyelids mixed with cow lips, and ears that've only listening to the screams of fellow cows. So there, eat the inside of your cow which never knew about that stuff. It was born happy mince, and always will be happy mince. Until you cook it. Then it will be cooked happy mince.
Use about 15 bucks worth I guess. Whatever, just chuck it in. Mash it up heaps and mash the herbs and stuff in with it. Cook it around a bit, and pour in some red wine, like this: pouur. About that much. Stir it up and keep doing so until cooked all the way through. In your breaks, chop up a whole bunch of mushrooms. Whatever's on special, they're all nice and give a different vibe to the sauce. Personally I reckon the little ones are good for cow sauce and the big ones are good for the vege sauce. When the meat's done put the mushies on top and let them steam while you pour wine over them and deploy another cube of grated chicken, so graciously sold to us by the lovely team at OXO. If its really juicy don't worry, and don't pour any out, its got all the flavour. Stir in those mushies and go grab your Leggo's tomato concentrate yoghurt pot things (they are concentrate as a kung fu expert, be wary). Probably about 2 of them. Banish them both to the confines of your saucy pot, cleansed with palmolive. Mix it round. the sauce will look stupid most likely. Get some whole canned tomatoes or actual tomatoes chopped a bit, and stick em in - about 2 cans. Totally depends on how red you want it but it's going to cook for a while yet and get smaller and darker. Sort of like a starving child on a sun bed. Stick in some more wine, and throw a punch of salt in. Also a teaspoon of brown sugar. Go and dance a bit to your CD, or sway at least. Relax and forget you ever made a sauce. Then - oh SHIT - go and stir it and stir iiiiit -- fuck you burnt it. Well that's okay - because this sauce seems to get better when you burn it (to an extent). That's extremely handy for forgetful people. Just stir it up and add some wine, get it drunk.
Now when it's looking like a real sauce and it's reduced quite a bit, add in your tastiest most delicious olive oil, one that you like to drink by itself because it's so nice. Then go like this : pooour. Stir it in and the smell of it will excite you. I'm excited just thinking about it. Right, now taste it. It will taste a bit grey in the early stages, as it takes a long time for the flavours to get into the meat and richen. You may also just need more salt and sugar (not too much! I have overdone it before, and it sucks). Not too much sugar though, this is sauce is for kings, not for dessert. If you can be patient, eat this sauce tomorrow night or the night after, cooking on low when you can to richen it.

Serve on delicious pasta cooked al dente (I cook it without salt or oil, because this sauce does all the flavouring needed!) with so much grated parmesan cheese that you can't see much of your meal, and if you're feeling energetic, some chopped basil leaves over the top.

Saturday, July 4, 2009

I did an interview for Harbour City Electric on Muzic.net.nz

What is the best gig you have ever performed at, and why?

That's kinda like asking what is the best movie you've ever seen - how do you narrow it down? I'll try..

I'd have to mention Parihaka Peace Festival, because of the awesome vibe of it!! We've done two so far, and the last one was so windy that the main stage shut down (it was being held together by giant cranes) and all the main stage bands - which included us - were pushed to the smaller 'Visionary' stage. It turned out really well as everybody checking out the music was concentrated on the one stage instead of spreading out, and we played as the sun set. Mean fun! Another goodie was the final Saturday night of the ASB Gardens Magic series at the Botanical Gardens' soundshell - we were lucky with the beautiful weather Wellington provided, and around 5000 people came out for it to picnic and chill out. That was fun as.

What is your favourite NZ venue?

I have been trying to run through in my mind different bars and clubs to try and figure this out, and came to the conclusion that this is really affected by the people that attend, so once I again I must mention a few. We just played a gig supporting Little Bushman at the Regent on Broadway for the closing of the Manawatu Jazz Festival. It's a beautiful theatre, and it was a lot of fun to play to an attentive seated audience. I should've mentioned this for the question before really but whatever! We really enjoy a grimey club gig for the raw energy from a good crowd - and 12 Below in Dunedin really provided that for us, they looked after us well also. Bodega also, they're a great venue for bands with a good PA. We'd like to thank all the venues that have had us and looked after us, we appreciate it!

What NZ musicians or bands would you like to see more of, and why?

This is the last one I'm answering because I'm finding it hard! There are a lot of NZ bands I've not seen and need to check out still! Bands and people I want to see more of include Lisa Tomlins, LA Mitchell, Tom Watson, Rio Hemopo, Mara TK, Jonathon Crayford trio with Julien Dyne and Chip Matthews, Olmecha Supreme, Iva Lamkum, Opensouls, the list goes on. These people all have great stage energy/presence, write great tunes, are astounding musicians, and have vibe! There's loads of great music in NZ and there is a lot I missed out, and a lot I don't know about and am yet to discover.

What is your most embarrassing on tour/gig moment?

Seeing a flock of emotional bats brandishing various kitchen implements fly at me mid solo, I dodge them frantically and hurry to open a portal to banish them into the past - but instead of them going in - I switch places with my 7 year old self who can't play the piano. I blink, then realise that I'm the last one at the gig and everyone has left, it must have been a hallucination, and my only option is to beg a busker for money for a bus home. Terrible. That probably isn't true.

Oh wait - I remember a real one. Haha! We all went for a swim at a beach when we played up at the Leigh Sawmill Cafe (another good venue!) on our EP release tour. I went in my cotton boxer shorts as I forgot my togs. There was one of those rafts out in the sea that you can jump off, and I like doing those gorilla type bombs, so I set off toward it. There were a bunch of young girls jumping off it (around 8-11 years old I'd say) and I thought it might be a bit weird in my undies but I was keen to have a bomb and they seemed fine so I jumped off a few times. Shaun and Paddy had swum out to a rock way past me, and saw something a little odd upon looking back - haha! I'd say it was at that moment that one of the girls looked me in the eye and said straight-faced 'you've got a rip in your pants'. I thanked her profusely for telling me as it would've been a terrible look, checked, and the rip was right up my ass from elastic band to the seam where the two legs are joined at the bottom. The HUGEST rip I've ever encountered. Now my dilemma was getting back to shore without alarming parents of my exposure to their innocent offspring. Hmmm. Swimming back the boys were all on the beach having a laugh, and I hung in the water unsure of what to do as they were right next to a bunch of families! Dammit. I bit the bullet and walked out clutching my ass, the families overheard the boys' laughs and our conversation and looked over, amused. I figured they were alright so I showed them my ass to shut them up. One of them said that some of them had weak stomachs, to which I said 'what are you trying to say? I've got a nice ass!'... We didn't talk much after that but I felt I had disarmed them enough not to worry about me being a 23 year old on the raft with my ass hanging out amongst a bunch of 8 year old girls.

How did you come up with the name Harbour City Electric?

I didn't. Ariel White who started the band did. He originally wanted to do covers of old funk and disco tunes that were sampled in hip hop, so people recognised the beats, but were different. We tossed up a bunch of ideas and Harbour City Electric was the one that stuck in the end. No clever story or deep reasons behind the name sorry!

How do you describe your music?

My favourite mix of funk, hip hop, dance music in various forms, jazz, and soul. It's nice to be able to make music customised to your own tastes, and we have similar ones so it works out nicely!

What can we expect to see from Harbour City Electric over the next year?

Expect some sneaky remixes to be out before the end of the year, we have lots of very talented people on the case and are looking forward to the results! Also planning for the album has begun, and we hope to have that out early next year. Quite excited about that, it's going to be filth! The good kind of filth.

What advice would you like to give to other aspiring musicians?

Do it because you love it, and if you love it, push it! Try to meet lots of musicians and play a lot. Listen a lot, go to gigs, and expand your musical horizons genre-wise - keep an open mind. Be constructive in your criticism, and take it well. Don't get a big head, because it will limit the people who want to play with you, and stop you from getting better. Most of all, have fun!

Wednesday, June 24, 2009


A few months ago I was approached by my landlord, holding a piece of paper. He handed it to me and thought it was quite amusing. I read it - it was a letter written pretending to be us (I think) in a sarcastic tone. I found it in a pile of books today, and wanted to immortalise it. Before I go on - here it is (copied directly):



Hello neighbours,

I am glad to hear everybody is enjoying my music while you are trying to sleep at night.

We don't care and it's your problem!!

Anyway, at least we are having fun and enjoying ourselves.

We are in fact anti-social and have no regard for anybody, especially YOU. We love playing our music every day of the week and going to keep doing so. It's so much fun and it's us that is having the fun, not you, sorry. It's probably because of our up-bringing as our parents showed us how to annoy our neighbours. I can't apologise for them, they are idiots. It's also because of our socio-economic status that we are anti-social and are unaware that it is not acceptable to keep you awake. Sorry, can't help that.

As for you, you must be sheep as we are only getting a couple of complaints. I'm surprised that you are not collectively telling me to keep it down after 10pm. But of course, that is when I start playing my music. I am also surprised that you have not phoned Noise Control. Why don't you, I'm even going to give you their number: 04-499 4444.

Yours truly,

Idiot Neighbour


We never got any complaints. Not even from this person, whoever they are! A knock on the door would suffice, but instead this was posted to letterboxes on the street excluding mine. I have no proof actually, all I know is that it got to my landlord down the road and not mine - the landlord mentioned it being in other letterboxes I think.
Anyway - we had a laugh about it, felt bad for keeping people up (we had got carried away on jams til late a few times spread out over a couple of months), and then thought about this person's tactics.. How strange. Was it supposed to have the whole street turn on us? I'm not going to say what I thought, but it would have been better if they'd come and seen us instead of writing a snarky letter.

Post your thoughts, readers! (James!)

Sunday, June 7, 2009

More Than Meets the Eye

Transformations occur daily - not always in comic books.... For instance, transforming yourself from a hungry person to a full person, or a book from a book on the ground to a book in the bin, or a bed from unmade to made, a car from a nice car to a piece of shit (this transformation usually takes a while), ten toddlers into 8 adults (takes a long time and some die on the way), a candle into a lump of wax, a house into a burgled house.. The list goes on. The one I've been thinking of lately is - dirty dishes into clean dishes (by hand). They transform before your eyes, and you can even make the sound (REHH-EEE-ORR-UUH-URR-EEE-ORR-REHH-ORR-EEE-UHH-EHH-ORR). In fact, I think making the sound helps quite a bit. It makes you wash more thoroughly, like a robot in disguise would. You should try it. Don't forget to keep an eye out for the ongoing battle between the ever-good Autobowls and the evil Decepticups, should they be placed together a terrible fight may break loose, which may see you in the Warehouse buying more to replace them! Or more likely - end up being a few dishes down and start using jars for drinking out of and pot lids for eating pasta from.
It was worth the spectacle, you'll say. But then what? Have you learned? No? Get back to work.

Sunday, February 8, 2009

Parihaka montage... Check the soundtrack!

Watch more Dailymotion videos on AOL Video

Thanks to the creator! Stoked.

Saturday, February 7, 2009

Harbour City Electric - 'Red Pepper' live @ the Soundshell

Mean! That was fun.
Red Pepper - the best pepper!

This is the single off our upcoming EP - due out in April.

Thursday, February 5, 2009

Harbour City Electric plays 'Actions Speak Louder than Words' and I get to take a big synth solo.

What a fun gig! Great crowd, really responsive! I have the whole gig recorded like this - thanks to Shaun's dad Chris. The man. Will be posting more clips as they upload, takes an age!

Monday, October 27, 2008


I found a piece of paper inside a random 2nd hand record sleeve once. It's been lying around the place recently and I wanted to share it, it's pretty cool.

As you think, you travel; as you love you attract. You are today where your thoughts brought you, you will be tomorrow where your thoughts take you. You cannot escape the result of your thoughts, but you can endure and learn, can accept and be glad. You will realise the vision (not the idle wish) of your heart, be it base or beautiful, or a mixture of both for you will always gravitate toward that which you secretly most love. Into your hands will be placed the exact results of you thoughts; you will receive that which you earn; no more and no less. Whatever your present environment may be, you will fall, remain or rise with your thoughts, your vision, your ideal. You will become as small as your controlling desire; as great as your dominant inspiration. -James Allen

Monday, September 15, 2008

The Toast Continuum

I was just eating some toast with the old mouth. You know the feeling, I'm sure? Trusty peanut butter on toast. Can't go wrong (unless there are caterpillars in your peanut butter, not to mention it's not peanut butter, it's treebutt gutter - and the toast is made from flour ground from giraffe bones, then toasted between two burning cars...). Anyway, during this particular toast session (it happens occasionally) I looked down and there was only a morsel left! Now now I thought, this is totally unfair - I don't even remember eating the other piece! I felt that maybe I had slipped through a wormhole, or maybe the almighty Toasterer** had switched host bodies for a wee indulgence session.. Now I realise this is unfair, but that's just the reality of it - so let's not think of toast session as having an end, let's instead start "The Toast Continuum". This is where the toast keeps flowing and it's no longer a session, but a way of life. This is merely a concept on paper, a fish in the oven, some flour in the bakery, a banana seed in Ecuador, a crustacean in the sea, a dollar in the savings account. Imagine it - toast:life, we could probably do a lot more with toast than just eat it also. I can imagine the possibility of just looking at toast, sitting there, all alone. Well.... I'd be alone, because I drove everyone away with my unwavering vision for toast future (well.... definitely wasn't the napkins.... they're real antiques and we told them a lot of interesting facts about those), but the toast would have all it's toast friends around, hanging out. Ahhhhhh. What a beautiful place that would be....

**The Toasterer is kind of like a God - or a spirit, the spirit of Toast. He is married to the Toastess and they live in a wee two-slice toaster in a secluded spot out of town. Well the Toasterer needs his fill of toast, but no longer has a physical body, so he infiltrates other peoples bodies and takes over consciousness when they're eating toast, which results in the host body being a bit surprised that they only have a morsel left.

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Lazy Yak, Get a Haircut!

When I was little I asked where God was, because I definitely couldn't see this person I'd heard people talking about. I was told God was everywhere, and when I asked if he was also inside my ear, I was assured that indeed this was the case. Hmmm. Another curious thing, I was told the other day by Redshirt Bighair [name suppressed for personal safety reasons beyond hurting teeth on over-burnt toast] that God is actually a yak! A hairy yak. Put yak and ears together and voila, I have a god-yak in my ears. I hope he doesn't god-yak-piss in there. That's probably what ear wax is, dried up god-yak piss. Disgusting. We deduced that God yak (who Redshirt Bighair called Steve) had not had a haircut for a while, and so although the actual god-yak wasn't inside my ears - his silken god-locks were. That would explain why I can't hear very well. I'd snip those locks myself in an instant, but normal scissors won't do the trick, only god-rated scissors will do. I think we can safely assume that the god hairdressers are pretty booked up with those Egyptian gods, they seem to keep pretty tidy and seem very conscious of their appearance - keeping skin supple by bathing in ass milk and all. You know, the milk that comes out of asses. So we're not in for perfect hearing for a few millennia yet I'd imagine, unless someone makes some god-rated scissors. Lazy yaks these days...

P.S. This also applies to non god-yaks, just your everyday common yaks. I'm just singling out the yak that has his hair in my ears. Probably my sandwich too. Poor sandwich, all she wants is to be at one with her fillings! See what I did there, I made it female. Just like that, peow! Oh I'm feeling the power.

Saturday, June 28, 2008

Old Grouchy eh.

Sitting atop a foolish hill,
Thinking of Winston the window sill,
It occurred to me I hadn't been posting for weeks,
I'd lose any momentum and any subscribing freaks!

With this in mind I set forth for the sea,
For Faraday the Fish would surely help me!
But when I arrived Faraday I could not find!
No fish knew of him - he was all in my mind!

I was lost and distraught like a rejected green mouse,
I searched for his number in case he'd moved house...

Faraday the Fish was nothing but a name,
In a rhyme I wrote on my couch.
I got sucked in by the story and I felt rather lame,
So I rang a Peasant named Grouch.

Grouch had his ups, and he also had his downs.
Just thought I'd let you know. Old Grouchy. Yeahh!

Tuesday, June 3, 2008

Large Flying Creatures called Terry.

Not sure what to write. I get that when I'm tired, then writing always brings out something. Like talking about how I can't think of anything to write, except then I'm writing something. It's like a murder of crows. Not at all actually, but I wanted to say that.

I found the largest ever flying animal the other day. Now I realize that statement could be a little misleading - I'm not claiming to have found it's bones, I just found it on the internet. It was lying amongst an article about Pterasaurs on Wikipedia. It's wingspan was a colossal 12 meters, that's fucking huge! It didn't even fit on my screen! Wow. They were like huge flying lizards with tails. Imagine that - a bird whose single wing is 4 times as long as you, or 10 times as long as a meter ruler which has had 40cm taken off it. That's a lot of broken rulers in a row. I couldn't imagine it trying to make a nest, the twigs wouldn't hold many creatures. I suppose it would lived inside a cave, without a TV, no internet, no stereo - just the sounds of nature (chirping birds, animals crying out in pain as their bones get crunched by predators, bloodthirsty roars, wind whistling through the bones of last nights dinner etc). What a purist this beast was. Keepin it real.

There's actually been two sightings of a pterosaur in recent times - one in 1944 by a soldier in Papua New Guinea, and one in 1971 by a psychologist (I think) in an island just off PNG. Not quite sure what's going on there! The natives even have a name for them: ropen. Bit of a lackluster name if you ask me. What's wrong with something a bit more trad, such as 'Daniel', or 'Steve'. Or, a more fitting name such as Terry - Terry the Terrible Pterosaur (as in he's not very good at being one). Bit more catchy don't you think? Let me know if you have a better name for prehistoric flying lizards that still live among us....

I actually think ropen sounds quite medieval, or like a character out of Lord of the Rings or something. But it's more fun saying it's shit. I had fun anyway. So there.