Tuesday, November 19, 2013
1) Fire a flaming arrow made from the rib of a cat through a eucalyptus leaf while gargling a mix of wine and orange juice that has passed through a cobra three times in an East-West direction to counter the spin of the Earth.
2) Step lightly on the toes of five world leaders within a two minute timeframe.
3) Find ten flies and capture them in a crystal vase, then transport them safely to the nearest market and attempt to sell them for $24.99 each. When someone hands over money, allow one to escape saying 'there you go!' as it flies away.
4) Find a bush and run at it with a mask on. You're welcome to topple over the front of it when you get there. If this doesn't do it, it's because you forgot to replace the floor in the kitchen with a fire-pit.
5) Visit the crater of an active volcano and watch as the lava falls around you. I reckon that should do it. If not...
6) Try to make a creme brulee whilst betting a million dollars you don't have on a sport you know nothing about. Have the TV in front of you. Man that would suck. Even if your hiccups don't go away, the intense experience would fully overshadow them and you'd probably cease to notice them.
7) Find a goat and try to benchpress it 20 times without it biting you whilst spiders are dropped onto your tummy and an old woman dressed as Darth Vader attempts to teach you Cantonese.
Friday, November 15, 2013
What? Oh. So you know - listening to music and gently falling asleep... could do this but I must micturate first. So you get up to micturate (yes folks, micturate. Cool word eh! I just learnt it) and feel that fur around your teeth. Not your moustache, mind - more of the bits and the things. So you clean it off with a brush in your post-micturitious state - or whatever it's called. That's all very well, but when all is said and brushed there is this minty fresh in your mouth, and it resembles a cool breeze and a wave full of bright lights and excitement mixed together into a seething mass of AWAKENESS. Where did this come from? Why do they want me to feel refreshed at 3am when I just want to sleep? Why is the paste always minty? Where is our night time sleepy toothpaste with no lights or waves or excitement hitting ones face? What does toothpaste taste like without any minty or otherwise flavouring in it? Why does a goat eat thistles but a bird choose to take to the sky using a clever wing system? Is the goat missing the point or the bird? Can goats fly but choose not to? Can thistles eat birds?
I realise these are big questions totally out of our reach in todays world, but my hope is one day we could all provide answers for these riddles of life. Go scientists! You have much work to do in finding these answers and relaying them to billions of people. May I suggest letters, phone calls and messenger pigeons to spread the word. Or words, rather.
'SPREAD THE WORD!'
'Which word in particular? There's a few.'
'ALL OF THE WORDS!'
'Aren't there are dictionaries for that?'
'ALL OF THE SCIENCE WORDS ANSWERING THE RIDDLES OF LIFE CONTAINED ON THIS PAGE!'
'Okay, I see now. All three of your instructions differ wildly. I hope you realise this next time and are more specific with your mouth words. That way, I can spend less time clarifying - which takes up precious energy - therefore I would need less food to and I save money. That's right. The vaguer your instructions, the more expensive it is for me to operate.'
Saturday, November 2, 2013
Excuse me, I'm boring myself here. Far out. Actually talking about nothing. What has become of me! Hang on... you know when you say 'hey, what you bin up to?' and the answer is 'nothing'. Obviously it's not nothing, unless they were in a cryogenic prison like Sylvester Stallone in Demolitian Man. Sitting around having a conversation can often be perceived as 'doing nothing'. What's wrong with us? Just say you're practicing natural conversation for when you meet John Coltrane. It would be a shock for sure - given that he's dead - but if such a thing happened you'd want to be prepared. Armed with all sorts of relaxed conversational items like 'hey man' and 'I wonder what it feels like to bird when it operates it's wings?' or 'I'm thinking of becoming a bumblebee nutritionist'. That last one is just a statement, and could leave conversation stale... I like to think it might prompt a vigorous response such as 'interesting you say that, as I invested in the Bumblebee Nutritionist training program, and it is my wish that you construct a piece of toast by breaking down old bees into elementary particles and reassembling, then spread with peter butter. I said Peter Butter. No - PETER Butter. Yeah cheers.' and then as you can see, conversation flourishes and lifelong relationships are born. Conceived by conversation and parented by no one. Funny how you can say 'and an idea was born!' like two ideas got together, experienced unprotected notions, and had a brainchild. Then you can say 'I wasn't born yesterday'. Well. If you're saying that then obviously you weren't. Also you wouldn't have got all those clothes in one day surely, let alone learnt to tie your laces. It's possible that someone got you the clothes, taught you that phrase and tied your shoelaces, but you still didn't strike me as a newborn.
I better get some sleep. Far out.
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
A ramp in the Thames river onto a bloody island.
Bloody harrowing fish yeast
A yeast that fish make that's pretty bloody harrowing.
Bloody garden seperated belongings
A bloody set of belongings that are seperated by bloody gardens.
Bloody bereft jubilee mammals
Mammals that attend a bereft bloody jubilee.
Bloody hiring eftpos repeat
Bloody porridge heist shoes
If you're gonna steal a whole lotta porridge, you'll need these special porridge heist shoes.
Bloody forest hack entity
Anything that used to hack forests.
Bloody graphite weather mambo
A style of music that is written in pencil and is influenced by the bloody weather.
Bloody earnest holiday wrap
A type of wrap that wraps up holidays in earnest. It's the stuff that wraps up those 'package deals'. Gotta have something holding those packages together..
Thursday, December 10, 2009
So anyway, I think 'I'm so hungry I could eat a horse' is a stupid saying. I think what's more realistic is 'I'm so hungry I could eat a meal'. Maybe '..eat a large meal'. But I mean really - if you're hungry, what the fuck else are you gonna eat? Definitely not a horse, that's for sure. Almost.
Here's some alternatives you can try out (they differ in severity for different stages of hunger):
I'm so hungry I could:
• eat a foraging kiwi
• eat a helpful banker
• go to the supermarket
• break into someone's house and steal some food
• eat a sandwich that smells slightly off
• use my credit card to buy McDonalds
• eat ten spiders with snake sauce on them
• starve to death
• spend $10 on a vintage banana
• get snappy at other people
• eat a cyclists spandex outfit with jam on it
Add your own if you feel that way inclined. Or don't.
Monday, November 2, 2009
The other thing about taps, is that you can only choose one product. It's either 'off' or 'I'm ejecting water from my spout' or 'I'm ejecting water faster than ever!'. Why can't it be 'here's some milk', 'have a beer' or 'here's some soap to help wash your dishes'. Even better - what about another turn gives you suggestions such as 'you washed the dishes last time, go and relax' or 'what are you doing?! You'll miss our bus!' ...and it's then you ask your tap whether it's real interest is in giving. It should not be 'our' bus, since taps don't catch the bus. Never take your tap on the bus with you. For starters, it won't give all those things as it is just a middle man between the pipes (the real givers) and you. Another thing - if a tap is asking to come on the bus with you, you should probably tell someone and ask if they're having similar experiences. If they're not - then you should talk to it secretly as it has obviously taken a liking to you in particular, and you wouldn't want others feeling left out. Taps are sort of like gods - they will give to anyone, a lot of people connect with them and talk to them (like 'FK!' when they get burnt, or 'I'm so thirsty! *filllll*'), but they really only talk to a few. So if you are one of those special people, do not be alarmed. Let the tap give advice, and then you could proclaim all it has to say to the world, and the spiritual sons of the taps will serve loyally. Maybe.
Monday, October 12, 2009
First off, you wouldn't call a meal filthy - especially if was a really good meal! If it was filthy you may want to rinse it, or just not eat it. I've never had much luck rinsing meals and don't recommend it. Although I suppose fish get rinsed meals everytime.. Lush. You wouldn't call a meal sick either, it kinda brings images to mind that more resemble the food AFTER digestion, rather than before. Not an appetising way to describe a meal - Sick Lamb Pie.. is that a pie made from a sick lamb, or more of a lamb-sick pie, which would be digested grass? Either way, bloody terrible idea. A meal, however, could be described as mean. Not in the sense that it's unfriendly, but it's awesome/mean/wicked/amazing.
Second up, a grandma. Now a grandma can be many things, it's true, and these words also apply - although I'm not sure you would want your particular, good old family grandma to be these things. A sick grandma is not a good thing. It's a bit sad actually, because she could die and we wouldn't want that. Everyone will die eventually and if we got what we wanted - no one would die and the Earth would die as a result, purged of all it's resources. Then we'd all die anyway. Anyway - you would not describe a bangin grandma as sick. You also wouldn't say this particular bangin grandma is mean, because a mean grandma is never a good thing, no matter how many times you ask yourself. If your grandma was filthy, she would probably be gracing the classified section of a Mayfair magazine, advertising her hot wet bucket. That would be a tragedy. Although, it could be pretty badass, having a porno grandma. She'd wear leather and ride a motorbike, and make mean cookies. Anyway. Enough of that.
A t-shirt. A shirt of the T variety. A T-rated shirt. Shirt tea? If this garment were to be described as filthy, it would need a wash. Pretty standard use of the term there. The t-shirt could be sick or mean, both have slightly different connotations though. Try some out on the street sometime and if you get a strange look, try the other word. With trial and error you will find the perfect balance. Remember that in this context, 'mean' and 'sick' mean 'most excellent indeed'.
Last but not least, a drummer can don all these terms with a certain grace. If the hitter of drums is mean, you'd wanna jam. Simple as that. If they are sick, you either want to jam or get a replacement asap. If they are filthy you most definitely want to jam with them, and they probably need a wash anyway - so that covers all bases. Filthy drummers.
So there you go. Now when walking down a street full of people you can now relish in the fact that you are hip to three more terms in today's ever changing world of slang. There is one more word I'd like to share, and that is 'bangin'. This can be used for anything good, such as 'man, that new skatepark is bangin' or 'this is a bangin tune', or 'your cat bangs man, look at it jump!', or to compliment someone 'that is a bangin dress you're wearing/your dress bangs hard' when in fact the dress doesn't bang anything. It's just good. Try and use it in a sentence today. It will bring joy to you and your listeners.
Sunday, June 7, 2009
It was worth the spectacle, you'll say. But then what? Have you learned? No? Get back to work.
Monday, October 27, 2008
As you think, you travel; as you love you attract. You are today where your thoughts brought you, you will be tomorrow where your thoughts take you. You cannot escape the result of your thoughts, but you can endure and learn, can accept and be glad. You will realise the vision (not the idle wish) of your heart, be it base or beautiful, or a mixture of both for you will always gravitate toward that which you secretly most love. Into your hands will be placed the exact results of you thoughts; you will receive that which you earn; no more and no less. Whatever your present environment may be, you will fall, remain or rise with your thoughts, your vision, your ideal. You will become as small as your controlling desire; as great as your dominant inspiration. -James Allen
Monday, September 15, 2008
**The Toasterer is kind of like a God - or a spirit, the spirit of Toast. He is married to the Toastess and they live in a wee two-slice toaster in a secluded spot out of town. Well the Toasterer needs his fill of toast, but no longer has a physical body, so he infiltrates other peoples bodies and takes over consciousness when they're eating toast, which results in the host body being a bit surprised that they only have a morsel left.
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
P.S. This also applies to non god-yaks, just your everyday common yaks. I'm just singling out the yak that has his hair in my ears. Probably my sandwich too. Poor sandwich, all she wants is to be at one with her fillings! See what I did there, I made it female. Just like that, peow! Oh I'm feeling the power.
Saturday, June 28, 2008
Thinking of Winston the window sill,
It occurred to me I hadn't been posting for weeks,
I'd lose any momentum and any subscribing freaks!
With this in mind I set forth for the sea,
For Faraday the Fish would surely help me!
But when I arrived Faraday I could not find!
No fish knew of him - he was all in my mind!
I was lost and distraught like a rejected green mouse,
I searched for his number in case he'd moved house...
Faraday the Fish was nothing but a name,
In a rhyme I wrote on my couch.
I got sucked in by the story and I felt rather lame,
So I rang a Peasant named Grouch.
Grouch had his ups, and he also had his downs.
Just thought I'd let you know. Old Grouchy. Yeahh!
Tuesday, June 3, 2008
I found the largest ever flying animal the other day. Now I realize that statement could be a little misleading - I'm not claiming to have found it's bones, I just found it on the internet. It was lying amongst an article about Pterasaurs on Wikipedia. It's wingspan was a colossal 12 meters, that's fucking huge! It didn't even fit on my screen! Wow. They were like huge flying lizards with tails. Imagine that - a bird whose single wing is 4 times as long as you, or 10 times as long as a meter ruler which has had 40cm taken off it. That's a lot of broken rulers in a row. I couldn't imagine it trying to make a nest, the twigs wouldn't hold many creatures. I suppose it would lived inside a cave, without a TV, no internet, no stereo - just the sounds of nature (chirping birds, animals crying out in pain as their bones get crunched by predators, bloodthirsty roars, wind whistling through the bones of last nights dinner etc). What a purist this beast was. Keepin it real.
There's actually been two sightings of a pterosaur in recent times - one in 1944 by a soldier in Papua New Guinea, and one in 1971 by a psychologist (I think) in an island just off PNG. Not quite sure what's going on there! The natives even have a name for them: ropen. Bit of a lackluster name if you ask me. What's wrong with something a bit more trad, such as 'Daniel', or 'Steve'. Or, a more fitting name such as Terry - Terry the Terrible Pterosaur (as in he's not very good at being one). Bit more catchy don't you think? Let me know if you have a better name for prehistoric flying lizards that still live among us....
I actually think ropen sounds quite medieval, or like a character out of Lord of the Rings or something. But it's more fun saying it's shit. I had fun anyway. So there.
Friday, March 28, 2008
So I was thinking, what percentage of your life would you be upside down? (We'll cast aside sleeping as that is horizontal, and you probably do a fair bit of innard mixing in that position anyway.) Would it be half your life, to ensure a decent mix? if so how would choose your switch over times? Would it be one week walking on your head, one week on your legs? Or would it be the slightly hilarious but more efficient 5 second switcharoo? Personally I think a short time of a few seconds would be excellent - giving not only a good mix but also building fitness and reducing obesity. Also there would be added bonuses of a feeling of unification amongst people, that adds to the community feel; amusement wherever you look (at the different techniques and odd situations); increase you acrobatic skill and flexibility.
I think this is a truly excellent idea. You may be thinking 'Golly that sounds awfully difficult Faraday!' (That's if you have an imaginary friend inside your brain named Faraday) - but I mean really, everything is hard until you can do it right? I think you're just lazy and don't want to learn. Learning sucks you say? Well, prepare to fail in life. Take that.
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
P.S. When we were little my brother James and I drank out of a rabbit hutch water dispenser (while it was still positioned on the hutch door), I think we wanted to know if it worked alright. Routine testing and maintenance I suppose you could call it. The mechanism is very effective from memory, it was nice water too. Since I was young I didn't think about rabbits having feelings, they must have been a bit pissed off. Also our mum was angry at us and I didn't really know why - I suppose we could have got a rabbit illness.
James thanked me for the memory when I brought it up, although I'm not sure he was sincere.
P.P.S. If anyone is interested in why I called upon the Russians for global dimming options click the link on "crazy Russians" further up. They once wanted to make a huge mirror in space to light up the dark side of the Earth and have eternal daytime. Bizarre huh. That article is from 1993, because later articles only explain how they tested it and failed miserably.
Thursday, March 13, 2008
Watch this till the end, it's pretty mind blowing. I got it off a teacher from a school I teach piano at so you can download here in .wmv format.
I searched youtube for it and a few versions came up - mostly the different music struck me. Some were ambient electronic bleeps and pads, there was one with a guitar and someone singing although I didn't like the sound of it, and some more electronic sounding music with beats. I chose the stand-out cross between Riverdance and Lord of the Rings. It struck me as strange they might use jig music for this kind of thing, but it sure makes the whole thing seem pretty epic. Probably a lot more so than if you just watched. I haven't tried jigging while watching it yet, or learning the fiddle to get more insight either. I also haven't tried strapping the laptop to my face while skateboarding down a large hill toward a herd of evil nuns with black eyes and a love for lacy white curtains - that would probably make it seem very intense and increase the impact of the video. It's all about the watching environment, hence the Riverdance/Lord of the Rings mash-up.
Saturday, March 8, 2008
No matter how many times I tell him, he always walks into that sign/pole/robotic arm dangling from the sky offering pizza. Maybe if enough people watch it he will stop doing it. I like the way he says 'oh god', the voice has a bit of a shake to it. Haha! I like the little shake. Poor Chuck Storm. Sweet name huh!
I found this over at Geekologie, one of my favourite places to visit on the net. Every day ridiculous inventions and ideas never fail to amuse/amaze/astonish/astound/allure/asinter me (that last one was made up). Go there and be entertained.
I'm about to eat Japanese Curry. Yum scrum.
Sword Attorney - the police are coming to banish us from observing the habitat of garish shirts on people with coffee addictions! Ah well, I guess it could be worse - we could be fishing for goats surrounded in deep forest encrusted with interestingly shaped rocks.... yesterdays news but still gets me every time (although I think it might just be decoration).
To return to the matter at hand: I think our situation is quite stable here. You see, we've gained information from countless slightly-shrivelled (but still green) leafy leaf biscuits (made from leaves, may contain traces of leaves) (with Scurglydiggle's signature folks! ah, dearest Scurglydiggle), and.... oops.
Have courage with that scratched, beaten (but shiny because I washed it see, I washed it) can of Coca-Cola.
The main bit
The conversation that changes lives starts with frowning upon handicapped pigeons....
Thursday, March 6, 2008
These worms have it sorted:
• Cardboard boxes = free
• Heat protecting varnish = free from the local heat protecting varnish fountain
• No pesky marshmallows = free
• Logs for the fire = free. Only the trees paid for it with their life. No one really cares about trees anyway. Otherwise you couldn't live in a wooden house without feeling extremely awful.
• Flames = $250 because they could afford a fancy lighter (since they saved on pesky food!)
• Conversation = free folks - it's free to talk to worms.
• Maths degree for Worm 1 = Worms don't go to university, they are naturally enthused by learning. You wouldn't know that though, as their social skills when it comes to humans is somewhat less than desirable.
• Quality fire-proof-box-by-the-fire time with fellow quality worm = priceless.