Saturday, March 8, 2008

Paprika Power (a mighty fine story)

Prologue

Sword Attorney - the police are coming to banish us from observing the habitat of garish shirts on people with coffee addictions! Ah well, I guess it could be worse - we could be fishing for goats surrounded in deep forest encrusted with interestingly shaped rocks.... yesterdays news but still gets me every time (although I think it might just be decoration).

To return to the matter at hand: I think our situation is quite stable here. You see, we've gained information from countless slightly-shrivelled (but still green) leafy leaf biscuits (made from leaves, may contain traces of leaves) (with Scurglydiggle's signature folks! ah, dearest Scurglydiggle), and.... oops.

Have courage with that scratched, beaten (but shiny because I washed it see, I washed it) can of Coca-Cola.

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The main bit

The conversation that changes lives starts with frowning upon handicapped pigeons....

"Wowsermagactical Scour-Hand, I thought you'd had it!"
"Okay okay okay, I'll tell you the truth. I wanted to be a parakeet trainor when I was little, and it never turned out right okay? I'm angry now because I've been angry ever since - I was angry two hours ago, I was angry yesterday, I was angry last month, even last year, okay punk, so I ain't gonna tell you nothin cos I'm seething with angry feelings that don't go away even when I go cherry picking! But it was hardly curtains for me. I had a bright idea to scour my own hand for a living - I paid myself for all the hours put in, it was like my own private money-laundering enterprise. Didn't go anywhere but I was happy with that. That's where I got my name. Also, there's a semi circle car around your left shoulder... you should look at getting that removed."
"Just because you've got a little fork, it doesn't mean all forks are little"
"I think you swapped conversations... we're having conversation #4361a, you're on #3060r."
"Oh! Entradilaptiple apologies! Were we past the angry bit yet? That bit rattles my brain bones,"
"Affirmative, conversation comrade. Your turn."
"Can't be arsed, I'll see you in hell"
"Rather shocked to be honest, but I have other plans - I have to go jumping around wall fittings until 8pm. It's pretty boring but the money's okay."
"Okay bye then you tablelicking scamp"
"Righty-ho. Baaaaa!"
"You just spoke like a sheep in distress, mister"
"...oh oops, I meant 'bye' "
"I think you didn't. I think you have a strange secret....."
"You're right...."
"..tell me"
"...well.... yesterday... I went deep sea diving, and met a new species - the 'sea-sheep'. it means 'sheep of the water' or something like that... How do they come up with these names?!?!... Anyway, they had a weird effect on me, sometimes I find myself chewing on the grass clippings out of a lawn mower, feeling strange about mowing a lawn, I mean what a waste to throw it all away... and now... this...."
"Hrmmm... I had an uncle with that same experience... he went quite mad and spattered middle-aged people with ribena concentrate... Hang about, what's your name? You ARE my uncle... Hrmmm. Carry on. You'll be fine, I'm not middle-aged anyway."
"I wasn't spattering! I was merely spreading a good word - I like the word 'RIBENA'.... It rings well and I like saying it."
"It'll be fine, we'll just see a flaming figure on the hill's crest at 7:30 tonight."
"NO! It's not like that! I'm sure I have a driveway snapper somewhere around here.."
"That's excellent news - I would love to snap my driveway"
"Have you got your driveway snapping licence? I doubt it you egg-lover!"
"I have it around here somewhere.... Maybe it's crawling the slope!"
"The slope! Crikey Moses, I almost forget about that thing, it misses crimewatch every week, but what I hate most is little crumbs of burnt toast on the edge of my forearm! Damn it!"
"LIAR!!! You have a forearm toaster and you overcooked your own forearm didn't you."
"FACT: I did not overcook my own forearm, I merely singed some hairs! and FACT: single keys stand amongst disc-pots (frantically), whilst peace is thrown across the rotorua table!"
"Ahhh the rotorua table, mighty fine table for putting things on. Not so great for spinning vertically on ones singed forearm while telling estranged facts to spanish clerks about the whereabouts of special goats that are trained to play classical piano, but I'd put something on it anyday! Probably breakfast. Now, where's Rather Good?"
"Rather Good changed his name to ABC, I think he wants more publicity..."
"A damn fine move"
"My mouth words exactly fit into the little hole at the end of a ruler!"
"Congratulations, you are now a supreme dickhead"
"Life goal achieved i'd say"
"To celebrate - let's have chicken baskets, my shout!"
"Where are we going?"
"To the basket shop of course!!"
"Ohhhh Harold..... the miners pay isn't enough, he's going to quit."
"Pay him in coca-cola, and the world will be hollow once again."
"My world is much frostier, let's travel on the amstore cd and dvd production welcome mat, I heard it has paprika power"
"My my.... paprika power?"
"Paprika power."
"I'm not coming, paprika is far too little and I am sizeist, little things can fuck right off"
"Oh don't let your prejudices get in the way!! ......Okay, let's use the Noel Leeming welcome mat, that powers on person power!"
"A mighty fine idea! Let's go!"
"Right, now I'll sit here and you pull me to my frostly world"
"Great stuff, the easy way to tone a sky is to listen to the light... I remember that much... and... greet the...."
"...greet the cat food"
"That's right, cat food - made from real cats"
"You got it, let's go!"

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Conclusion

Damn oven, stop your snaps-growl!

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