What to do with a worried monkey

Now, I know what you're thinking. You're thinking about delicious grapes, peeled by a worried monkey. Well, that's okay, I suppose. You can think about what you like. But let me gently suggest some techniques to calm the worried monkey - he IS peeling you grapes after all. So first off I would make sure that there are no weapons pointed directly at the monkey and there are no other immediate dangers, such as.... oh I don't know.... a drill! Spinning very close to it. Once you've carefully assessed the dangers (remembering that a perceived danger to the monkey may not necessarily be obvious to you or I) then I would move onto massage. I mean, I saw a lady massage a possum which is pretty weird - and mind you it did seem a little worried. You could also just try telling the monkey everything is going to be okay. That's what they say in movies all the time, especially when it's obviously not going to be okay, oddly enough.

Excuse me, I'm boring myself here. Far out. Actually talking about nothing. What has become of me! Hang on... you know when you say 'hey, what you bin up to?' and the answer is 'nothing'. Obviously it's not nothing, unless they were in a cryogenic prison like Sylvester Stallone in Demolitian Man. Sitting around having a conversation can often be perceived as 'doing nothing'. What's wrong with us? Just say you're practicing natural conversation for when you meet John Coltrane. It would be a shock for sure - given that he's dead - but if such a thing happened you'd want to be prepared. Armed with all sorts of relaxed conversational items like 'hey man' and 'I wonder what it feels like to bird when it operates it's wings?' or 'I'm thinking of becoming a bumblebee nutritionist'. That last one is just a statement, and could leave conversation stale... I like to think it might prompt a vigorous response such as 'interesting you say that, as I invested in the Bumblebee Nutritionist training program, and it is my wish that you construct a piece of toast by breaking down old bees into elementary particles and reassembling, then spread with peter butter. I said Peter Butter. No - PETER Butter. Yeah cheers.' and then as you can see, conversation flourishes and lifelong relationships are born. Conceived by conversation and parented by no one. Funny how you can say 'and an idea was born!' like two ideas got together, experienced unprotected notions, and had a brainchild. Then you can say 'I wasn't born yesterday'. Well. If you're saying that then obviously you weren't. Also you wouldn't have got all those clothes in one day surely, let alone learnt to tie your laces. It's possible that someone got you the clothes, taught you that phrase and tied your shoelaces, but you still didn't strike me as a newborn.

I better get some sleep. Far out.